I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!

Can I just say I LOVE this time of year! I remember the year Cade was born and I was so excited to hang a third stocking on the mantle. Now I hang four and can I just say I am so grateful for those little names that hang beside mom and dad. Having kids has made Christmas even that more meaningful to me. I love that we get to play Santa and see their eyes light up when they see what Santa brought. This year is going to be the best year ever!! This is going to be one of our poorest Christmas' because of all the money we spent on fertility and Jon's job change. BUT can I just say it is going to be a special one. Don't worry the kids are still going to be spoiled but it has been nice to forget about what I want and focus on what really matters. There is a special spirit in our home this year as we are trying to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. I am starting the 12 days of Christmas tomorrow for our boys and I am so excited about it. As my kids get older I feel this desire to share with them what Christmas is really all about. I want them to gain a testimony of Christ, his birth and the wonderful gift he is to us. It is fun to make traditions and this is one I am super excited about. I think it will bring more meaning to Christmas and help us to have more family time. Christmas as a child was always so wonderful and I want my children to have those same warm feelings as they remember their Christmas'.

THANKS ISR!!!!!!!!!!

Well this week is the start of a new adventure......Jon started his new job at Surgical Principles. After a grueling interview process Jon is the man! This is an industry Jon has wanted to get into for a long time. He has enjoyed his job at ISR so much that it was a tough decision to make. But we both felt he needed to take this opportunity if he was given the job. My cousins husband Casey is the one who refereed Jon. He thought Jon would be a good candidate since they were looking for someone WITHOUT medical sales experience. Which is rare. Jon felt he had nothing to loose so he applied for the position. To be honest we did not think he was going to get the job. I believe all things happen for a reason and we feel that this is a huge blessing for us in our lives at this time. It just goes to show you never know what can happen. I really believe that Lord was directing us to where we need to be. It has been sad to say good by to so many wonderful friends at ISR but we know those friendships will continue. (Thanks to blogging for making that possible!) ISR has been nothing but supportive of Jon's decision. I am amazed at how wonderful they have been to both of us during the past almost five years. We have enjoyed wonderful vacations to Mexico, Easter egg hunts, Christmas parties, dinner out, and lots of other get togethers. I think it is rare to find a company that #1 has so many great employees and #2 all get along so well. ISR has always focused on not only the employee but their families too. That has meant a lot to us and I don't think we will find that anywhere else. But life is all about change and this is a HUGE change for us. Jon is in Park City all week for training which means I am all alone with the kids. FOR A WEEK! I know it is not that long but it already feels like it has been a week. I am excited for what this new adventure will bring!!!

OUR ADOPTION PROFILE

Well I have been working hard to get our adoption stuff done. We are close to being approved which means we will be in the waiting process. We are really excited about adopting again but also know it is not going to be easy. It is not very common for a Birth Mother to place with a family with two or more children. But we are being optimistic and hoping for the best. It is a long hard process but worth it. It took me hours to do our collage....I am a little OCD when it comes to this kind of thing. It looks simple but I tried lots of different lay outs until I found one I loved. So here is the finally draft. I wanted it to be clean and crisp not too much cute stuff. I think it looks a little better cause you can focus on the pictures more. I wanted lots of up close pictures showing us doing the things we love to do. What do you think.....I need feed back?

This is the family picture we decided on. This will be our first impression so I hope it's a good one. I like that it is up close and you can see our faces good. Thank goodness the boys were smiling. I think they look so cute. I have to tell my mother-in-law thanks for taking our pictures. She did such a great job. With a little bit of editing they turned out awesome. We still have a few more things to finish like our Letter, home study and interviews. But we are on our way and have most of the difficult stuff behind us. Adoption is just an amazing process and I find myself feeling so good about this option. I was so sure we would not adopt again, at least not right now. But I can't help but feel there is a reason for all of this. Who knows the Lord works in mysterious ways!!!!!!

10 YEARS AGO TODAY!

So it was ten years ago today that me and my sweet hubby were set up on a blind by my BFF Jayme. She was truly inspired to set us up! Jon took me to a Buzz game for our first date and then back to his house to watch the Wedding Singer. (what a great movie!) He didn't waist any time and held my hand that night. He left the next day to Flaming Gorge. I thought about him every second he was gone and wondered if he would call me when he got home. Me and Jayme decided to go and find his house. We had to stop at the taco time there in Centerville to look up his address. That was fun wasn't it Jayme. We were so silly back then. Jon came home from his trip and we saw each other every day from then on. We dated for about a month and decided it was true love and that we should get married. What a fun time that was.

Now here we are and I am more in love than ever. For those of you who know Jon you know what an amazing person he is. He has made me who I am and has always been my best friend.

I love you so much Sweetie and I am so grateful Jayme was inspired to set us up. We were meant to find each other and spend Eternity together. Thanks for being the wonderful husband and father you are. And for always being right beside me through our Joys and sorrows. My love goes deeper than I could ever express with words!

I LOVE YOU!!!

CADE'S BIRTHDAY

Today our sweet Cade turned FIVE! It was a fun day full of lots of excitement. He was up around 7:00 wanting to open presents. You would have thought it was Christmas. He got a new Optimus Prime Transformer bike. Jon stayed up late the night before putting it together. Cade was so excited about it. Later that day we took him to Classic Skating. Cade got so many fun gifts from all his friends. Cade is lucky to have such great friends! Later that day Cade's primary teachers the Porter's came over to wish him a Happy Birthday. They are so wonderful and Cade just loves them! We love Cade so much he has brought so much Joy and Happiness to our lives. We are so blessed to have such a sweet, handsome, loving boy for our son. Happy Birthday Cade!!!!!

BABY OAKLEY IS HERE!!!

So today my little sister Mikelle had her baby girl. The name they chose is Oakley. Me my mom and Nikki were all able to be in the room when she was born. Me and Nikki were front and center while my mom stood to the side. Can I just say what an amazing thing birth is. It was such a spiritual experience and neat to share with my mom and sisters. Mikelle almost lost her life giving birth to her son Austin because of e-clampsia, but this time she had no complications. I am so proud of her she did so good!!! Thanks sis for letting me be a part of your little miracle!! This may be the closets I ever come to experiencing birth so I am grateful my sisters have shared their moments of child birth with me. I love them both so much. Don't worry Bro I love you too its just a girl thing!

Some of you may wonder, isn't it hard for me to watch that knowing it may never be me? The answerer is Yes it is kind of hard and sometimes I wish I could know what it is like to give birth. But My sadness has nothing to do with how happy I am for my sister. I have two little miracles tucked into bed peacefully sleeping. And after today I realized it is not so bad having them placed in your arms two days later all clean and beautiful feeling like a million bucks. Yes I wish I could have seen our boys be born but I get to watch them grow! I am so happy for my sister and her husband Cory. Congrats on your new baby girl I might have to steal her every now and then! Maybe even just a smell here and there. Love you guys, she is beautiful!

WHAT A BLESSING!

So I don't know what I have done to deserve such great friends and so much love and support. This whole blogging thing has been such a blessing to me. Really we are not as wonderful as you all think we are!! But it is so nice to have so much encouragement. Thank you all so much for your sweet comments it means so much to me. The past 5 months have been some of my hardest times especially when our IVF did not work. I am so grateful to all of you and for the strength you have given me to get through this. Who knew this is what blogging would bring to my life other than a new obsession. I hope someday I can return the the favor if ever needed. Honestly it is so amazing to me to see how many people really care. Jon and I thank you so much!!!!

HOME FOR SALE!!!

Well it is official our house is FOR SALE! Jon and I have made yet another HUGE decision and have put our home up for sale. Two years ago we built the home of our dreams. It isn't the biggest or the best out there but it is defiantly a nice home. We customized it to us and our needs and we absolutely love it.

So here is the reason why.......

Since our failed IVF we have felt so hopeless in our attempt to add another child to our family. We have looked at all of our options the few we do have and even if one felt right we have no money to pursue it. Over the past 7 years we have spent about $35,000.00 on trying to have a family. That is a lot of stinkin money. Not that you could even put a price on Cade and Jake . We would have spent what ever was needed to get our boys here. But our dilemma now is not wanting to go into dept any more than what it absolutely necessary. Jon and I have been so blessed to have been able to afford to adopt, do IVF and still have a beautiful home, trailer, descent cars etc. So now we are looking at another $13,000.00 to adopt and that's if we go through LDS and at least $20,000.00 for IVF. Again that is a lot of money and we have spent all we have in our savings and fear it will take us for ever to save enough for another child. And for us time is not a luxury.

So we are choosing a family over our beautiful home that we love so much. So really the decision was easy but not without sadness and tears. It doesn't seem fair to have to spend so much money on trying to have a family.......BUT it is worth every penny and then some. We also feel that it is a good time to down size since our family is still small and wont be growing any time soon.

To be honest for the first time since our IVF failed I feel HOPE again!!!!!! I feel that even though the decision to sell has been hard that we have some direction in what we should be doing right now. In the long run it will help us get into a better financial situation and ultimately give us the money we need to pursue our options for another child. I was at my grandmas house today and the kids wanted water with ice.....well she had to go to the freezer, get out the little ice trays and break out the ice instead of just pushing a button. It just made me think of how spoiled we are these days. We have way more now than my parents or grandparents ever imagined at our age. I never even had AC or swamp cooler until I was 18. We never went on fancy trips or lived in a huge home. But we had all we ever needed and we appreciated the things we had. I think we forget sometimes how blessed and lucky we are to have what we have. After all it is just a house and I would give it up in two seconds to have more children. I can take them with me, to the eternities!!!!! So if you know of anyone who is looking for a beautiful home send them our way!! Don't feel sad for us, like I said I feel hopeful of the future and what the Lord has in store for us!!! I feel more peace now than I have in a long time.

P.S. Don't forget to leave me your e-mail so I can invite you to view my blog....since I am going PRIVATE!

"THE TATTOO"

Well I knew that this might get some attention because I am so not that type! So here is the scoop..... I was 18 in beauty school and felt the urge to do something CRAZY! A tattoo seemed like a good idea. I told no one except for my friend from beauty school. She is the one who took me to get it. About two minutes into it and a lot of pain I had a thought that maybe this was not a good idea. But I couldn't change my mind at that point. What was I to do have half of a flower....that would not be cool. I did regret it shortly after I realized wow this is here for the rest of my life. Then I thought it was cool and I loved it. Now I wonder why I didn't do something less permanent. It is of a Daisy on the small of my back. It is actually kinda cute!(for an 18 year old) Now I am a mom and it is not so cute. Cade and Jake have both discovered it and think that it is a sticker. They try to peel it off all the time and will soon realize it is not a "STICKER"! But for now that's my story and I'm sticking to it. At least till there old enough to really want to know. Then I don't know what I will tell them???? I pray they never want one!!!

GREAT TALK.....THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE

So our good friend Dustin sent us this talk. He is in the YM with Jon and his wife Lauri and I worked in the primary together. Any way they are just great people and wonderful friends. Jon printed this out last night for me to read. I can't tell you the peace and comfort it gave me. I have been wondering why we have to endure such difficult trials and if our desires are good why doesn't the Lord bless us. This answered all of my questions and let me know once again how much the Lord loves us and wants to be here for us. We just need to trust him and have faith especially when life is hard. Thanks Dustin for sending me a tender mercy. It came at the perfect time!

Dennis E. Simmons, “But If Not …,” Ensign, May 2004, 73
Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them.

As a young man, I returned home from an eighth-grade basketball tournament dejected, disappointed, and confused. I blurted out to my mother, “I don’t know why we lost—I had faith we’d win!”
I now realize that I did not then know what faith is.
Faith is not bravado, not just a wish, not just a hope. True faith is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that leads a person to follow Him.
Centuries ago, Daniel and his young associates were suddenly thrust from security into the world—a world foreign and intimidating. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?”
The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” That is a statement of true faith.
They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.
Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego knew they could always rely on Him because they knew His plan, and they knew that He does not change. They knew, as we know, that mortality is not an accident of nature. It is a brief segment of the great plan of our loving Father in Heaven to make it possible for us, His sons and daughters, to achieve the same blessings He enjoys, if we are willing.
They knew, as we know, that in our premortal life, we were instructed by Him as to the purpose of mortality: “We will make an earth whereon these may dwell; And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”
So there we have it—it’s a test. The world is a testing place for mortal men and women. When we understand that it’s all a test, administered by our Heavenly Father, who wants us to trust in Him and to allow Him to help us, we can then see everything more clearly.
His work and His glory, He told us, is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” He has already achieved godhood. Now His only objective is to help us—to enable us to return to Him and be like Him and live His kind of life eternally.
Knowing all this, it was not difficult for those three young Hebrews to make their decision. They would follow God; they would exercise faith in Him. He would deliver them, but if not—and we know the rest of the story.
The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings.
The Apostle Paul learned this significant lesson and declared, after decades of dedicated missionary work, “We glory in tribulations … knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed.”
He was assured by the Savior, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Paul responded: “Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. … I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” When Paul met his challenges the Lord’s way, his faith increased.
“By faith Abraham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac.” Abraham, because of his great faith, was promised posterity greater in number than the stars in the heavens, and that that posterity would come through Isaac. But Abraham immediately complied with the Lord’s command. God would keep His promise, but if not in the manner Abraham expected, he still trusted Him completely.
Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them.
“By faith Moses … refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter;
“Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season;
“Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt. …
“By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king. …
“By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land. …
“By faith the walls of Jericho fell down.”
Others “through faith subdued kingdoms, … obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,
“Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight.”
But in the midst of all those glorious outcomes hoped for and expected by the participants, there were always the but if nots:
“And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, … bonds and imprisonment:
“They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about … being destitute, afflicted, tormented; …
“God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect.”
Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true.
He has the power, but it’s our test.
What does the Lord expect of us with respect to our challenges? He expects us to do all we can do. He does the rest. Nephi said, “For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”
We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.
Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Is that GREAT or what!!!!

I WILL MISS PRIMARY!

Well I was released from my calling on Sunday and I just wanted to do a little post about it for my sake. I have been the Primary Sec. for a year and a half now and I have loved it! I love the women I have been able to work with and all of the children I have been able to get to know. Most of all I have loved watching Cade in the primary and seeing him learn about the Gospel. He is such a good kid and loves to go to church. There is nothing better as a parent than to see your child's testimony grow. Jake loves the nursery and cried last week when we had to leave after Sacrament. Getting two crazy boys ready every morning all by my self while Jon is at meetings is not always easy. Not to mention all the things I need to have prepared. So this will be a nice break. I will be teaching the 12 year old Sunday School which I am so excited about. I am even more excited that I get to go to Relief Society. It has been a long time since I have been able to sit and listen to a lesson.

Any way I just wanted to let Laurie and Missy know that I am going to miss them. I have learned so much from each of them and feel blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know them better. Thanks for being such great examples to me I love you both!!!

SISTERHOOD OF SUPPORT "SOS"

Since I have been blogging our IVF process I have received so much feed back from tons of people who are going through their own struggles with infertility and adoption. So here is my great idea.....I have created a blog just for us! Or anyone else who feels they want to be a part of it. It is kind of a cheesy name but it is all I could come up with. Jon gave me the SOS idea and I thought it was kind of cute! What I need from you is your email address so I can invite you to be a part of this fabulous idea of mine. We will all be able to create our own posts to share with others. It can be a story, question that you want answered, or just somewhere to vent. Most of all it will be a "sisterhood" somewhere that we can make connections and make life-long friends. I have made some amazing friendships through our infertility process. They are all amazing women with different stories to tell. I love them all so much and don't know what I would do without them. I have posted a picture of some of them...sorry for those who are not in it. We can all do so much to help and uplift one another. For so many years I felt so alone and wondered if there was anyone out there who shared in our same sorrow. Since I have been able to help teach adoption education courses and opened myself up to share our experience I have met so many people in our same situation. My dear friend Addie and I were in the same adoption class and have stayed close friends through the years. We both have two adorable boys, each 6 months apart from each other. What a blessing it has been to have her by my side to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I cherish all of these women and their friendship. My hope for this blog is that you too can find that same support and friendship. Feel free to post pictures and anything else you would like to help us to know you better. So send me your email and lets make some connections.

Click here to visit S.O.S

JUST ONE MORE THING!

So I am finding each day brings new challenges as we try to move on. I have found that I have to completely change my thought process and every thing seems to remind me of what might have been. But I do have to say that having two kids makes this a lot easier! Life has to move on with two boys who need you and want you to be upbeat and fun. I know that time heals everything.

I also wanted to add just a few words for those who are thinking about IVF and have been watching our blog. Jon and I have no regrets. IVF has worked for so many people. And even though it didn't work for us it was an amazing process. There was nothing easy about it but I would do it again if that is what felt right. So don't give up just because it didn't work for us and just know that if you try and it doesn't work I am living proof you will survive!!!!

When you find yourself in situations like ours it is hard to understand why. I learned a long time ago not to ask why because for now there is not an answerer. But I do know I am a stronger person because of this trial. It is not easy for people like us who struggle with infertility. We quietly watch the world move on as we deal with the pain of not being able to have a family. We watch others around us have children and share in there joy while our heart aches. I remember feeling that it was not fare that others around me were being blessed with a family and here I was with still no children. It is a difficult time but you have to find a way to get through it and separate your sadness from other peoples joy. This was a huge accomplishment for me when I could finally be happy for others while still sad for us. I have lots of people in my life expecting babies and I could not be happier for them. But this was not always so easy for me. We have been married for almost ten years and we have spent nine of them working on our family. It has been hard but worth every tear and heart ache. Sitting waiting for a miracle to happen is not the way it works although it would be nice. You have to be willing to do what ever it takes if you truly want a family. It has not been easy putting ourselves in such vulnerable situations but it is what has brought us great blessings. We love our boys birth parents and there families and have embraced the wonderful experience of adoption. We did not know our ability to love was so huge. And even though we have moved on we think of our sweet Birth Mothers often and talk to our boys about them. I look at my boys and know without a doubt they were meant to be ours! All I ever wanted was to be a mom just like my mom. I thought it would be so easy. Getting them here has not been easy and raising them deffinetly is not easy! But I have such a love and apreciation for the opportunity I have to be a mother and raise my boys. There is nothing I would rather be doing in my life than chacing after Cade and Jake! They bring Jon and I so much Joy and we thank the Lord every day for the blessings they are to us.

So to all my infertil sisters out there don't give up! If you truly want a family do what ever it takes to have one. No matter how they get here they will bring you more joy than you ever thought possible!!!!!!!!

ARE WE LOVED OR WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flowers and goodies from all of our neighbors and friends. We love you all so much!

Just received these flowers from my BFF Jayme and her mom Ellen. Thank you so much I love you both!

Can I just say Jon and I feel like the most loved people on earth right now! A guy came to the door yesterday with a bouquet of flowers from my aunt and all my cousins. I had already been crying and when I answered the door I just started to cry even harder. The poor kid didn't know what to say but told me to have a good day. I thought there it not one good thing about today! But look at all this good from all of our friends and family. I can't believe how many comments, e-mails, and phone calls we have received. It has been overwhelming to feel the love and concern you all have for us. I think some times we hesitate to be open about things we might be going through. It is hard to show weakness but I am so glad that I decided to let you all into our lives and see us how we really are. Life is full of trials for all of us and if we could just realize how much we can do for one another if we will just open up. I really and truly can not tell you how much it has helped to have your love and prayers. If I hadn't opened up I would be sitting here in my misery wondering........doesn't any one care? But instead I feel this outpouring of love and sympathy from so many people. Even some old high school friends who found my blog. 11 years ago all I could think about is graduating and moving on with life. Never did I imagine I would face such difficult trials. But you grow up and realize that life is more than just about you and you make sacrifices. Jon and I will do what it takes to bring another baby into our family. We don't know what this all means for us yet but we will figure out the reason for our failed IVF. We are just going to take some time away from baby and focus on the two miracles we already have.

I thought the tears would stop but some how they just keep on flowing. I had high hopes I would get up and put some make-up on but its raining and I can't stop crying so what the point. We will move on but for right now I think I need a little time to like my friend Missy said "let my heart ache". Jon and I are so sad but feel the love of our Savior and realize all of his suffering. This life was not meant to be easy. I want to share a quote that my cousin Summer put on her blog after loosing a twin at 8 weeks Preg.

“Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”


I read this over and over because it hits home with me. I know that we will be stronger because of this. Last night Jon and I were looking at the picture of our embryos and talking about how much hope we had that they would take. I mentioned how sad it was that they never took and he said "yes but they made us stronger"! I will hold on to that knowledge for the rest of my life. And take with me what they have given me..... a new understanding of how much my Heavenly Father Loves me.

Thanks again for all your love, we couldn't get through this with out all of you!!!! This will be my last post about our IVF. We have come so far from our first post. I want to start moving on and blog about my sweet family. Enough about me I want to focus on others for a while! My boys are so much fun right now and are doing lots of great things. So no more sad and depressing posts I promise. Love You all so much!

OUR WORST FEAR!

Well our worst fear was confirmed today. The Dr. office called to confirm the pregnancy did not work. I am finally calm enough to sit and let you all know. I am surprisingly doing okay. I still feel so much peace and know that the Lord is aware of what we are going through. It is hard to understand sometimes why things don't go the way we want or hope they would.....but I struggled for years to know what my purpose was and if I could not have children why was I here. I knew what my purpose was the second I held sweet little Cade and then again when we got our Jakie. I was meant to be here for them and I finally knew what my purpose was. Don't get me wrong this is so devastating for us but I have learned not to doubt the Lords plan for me. The road to have a family has not been easy for us but it has brought amazing blessings into our lives. All the hope and peace we have felt is real and I know that if we stay strong the Lord will bless us with more children. Thanks to all of you for your love, prayers and everything else you have done to help us believe. I still believe and refuse to give up! I love you all and I am grateful for each one of you and the blessing you are in our lives. To my sweet mom and dad who are gone I love you more than words can say. I am okay because you have taught not to ever give up and to always have hope and faith in the Lord and my savior. For that I am so grateful. You are always telling me how strong I am and it is because of the two of you! And to Carla and Merrill thanks for raising such a good man with so much faith, love, and compasion. I couldn't ask for a better husband. Thanks also for your love and prayers and helping us through this. At times like this we have to remember our blessings and just like Jon's blessing last night said "never give up hope". Sorry for such sad news......but thank you again for all you have done.

Lots of Love,

Jon and Kim

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW

Well tomorrow is the big day. The last two weeks feel like two years to me. I have mixed feelings tonight about what we might hear tomorrow. I have been bleeding a lot today and I feel that I might being loosing one or both babies. Of coarse it is hard to know what this all means because it could be anything. IVF is so hard on your body and I think my body has had enough. Jon gave me a wonderful blessing tonight. In it he told me not to give up hope and that I could feel peace. So as hard as it is I am going to hope my heart out until the end. The wonderful thing is....is that I do feel peace even through all my fears of the worst and doubts that it is going to work. I still feel there is a chance and I am trying to have faith. But I know that some how some way if the answer we get tomorrow is not good that I will get through it. I am just ready to know one way or the other and move on with my life. My boys need there mom back. As much as I would love another child I am so grateful for the two I have. I have come to realize more than ever before how truly blessed I am to be the mom of Cade and Jake. I have also realized that it is not the pregnancy I long for but the baby. If this doesn't work it is not the loss of what it would be like to be pregnant but the loss of what it would mean to have another child. In a lot of ways pregnancy is not that appealing to me! Don't get me wrong I think it is a beautiful and miraculous thing but also very hard. I would love the opportunity to carry our child but more than anything I just want a family. I pray with all my heart the Lord will bless us. I am sorry I have dragged all of you through this roller coaster but.....Honestly.........I couldn't have done it without you. You have lifted me up and given me the courage to get through this. And my sweet sweet hubby who has showed me so much love and compassion and has never let me think for one second it wouldn't work. I love him more now than ever and I am grateful to have him by my side. My poor mom and dad are in Hawaii. Which is great for them.... but I know they are dying to know the out come and praying there guts out it works. Both of our families have been amazing. I don't mean to sound like it is over because it's not I just wanted to let you all in on what has been going on so you can continue to pray for us. I need your prayers! It is hard to feel so vulnerable and helpless but I trust in the Lord and his plan for us. Our appointment is at 10:00 but they won't call us until later with the results. We will let you know as soon as we find out. I love you all and thank you again for all you have done for me!!! I am holding on to all the hope and faith I have left and still feel there is a good chance it will all be okay. I also want to tell my sweet friend and her husband who just went through this process and found out her embryos were no good and has also been hyperstimulted which is a condition caused by all the meds. It is not very common but it does happen to about 1% of women who do IVF. We are thinking and praying for you.

Thanks again to all of you for your support...we will talk to you soon.

Love Kim

JUST WANTED TO FILL YOU ALL IN

Well it is still a roller coaster ride. I started spotting yesterday morning and completely freaked out. I also had some cramping. Today a little more of the same thing. So I finally called the doctor and the nurse told me this is completely normal. So for all of you who are doing this (Lynette) and those who are thinking about it. Remember this is normal. Most women who do IVF will spot during this time. The nurse said it could even be a really good thing cause it could mean implantation is happening. I thought it was early to be starting but you just freak out about every thing at this point. The nurse also said that you most likely won't have a period until you stop the progesterone. Unless of coarse you are pregnant you won't start for about 12 more months. That's what we are shooting for. One more week to go.....we can do this! Just thought you would all like to know. If not sorry for all the info!

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

Hey everyone what a cute post Jon did of our embryos. He was so excited about all the comments we got. I think now he knows why I am a little addicted to this. Well I am feeling better than I have in three weeks. I feel completely recovered from all the procedures I have had done. The egg retrieval was the worst and left me feeling really crappy for about a week. But now it is all over with and other than the progesterone injections I am done! Now the waiting game.....it hasn't been too bad cause the boys keep me busy.....but I am sure the closer it gets the harder it will be. Technically I am three weeks pregnant right now since the embryos grew for 6 days out side of me. But unless you do IVF you don't know fertilization has even happened. So now all that has to happen is implantation. This is where the embryo finds a nice little home in your uterine lining and starts to multiply. It is about the size of a poppy seed.....is that amazing or what! We feel very hopeful and we are staying positive. This is our one shot. By growing to day 5 we lost the rest of the embryos and don't have any to freeze. We knew this was a possibility but wanted to give us the best possible chance. We were a little disappointed but knew we had made the right decision. But I just want to take a minute and thank everyone for the phone calls, e-mails, prayers, comments on the blog, for putting our name in the temple, fasting, all those who gave me the wonderful blessing, and all the sweet gifts to help me get through this time, and most of all helping with my sweet boys. It has been hard on them and it has brought much comfort knowing they have been loved and taken care of. What a roller coaster ride! But really I couldn't have done it without you. And to my sweet hubby who has been right by my side in all of this.....he is truly the best husband I could ask for and shows me so much love and sympathy for what I have had to endure. I could go on and on about how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that he does for me. Thanks hun I love you soooooooooooooo much!

Ginger bought the boys a whole bunch of stuff to keep them busy. Their favorite thing has been the slip and slide. It is nice to just go out and be able to sit and watch them and not have to entertain them. Thanks Ginger it was so nice of you! Cade's cousin and BFF Sidnee came over to join in the fun. They are little buddies.

My sweet neighbor who has also gone through IVF and had the cutest boy and girl twins brought me a bag of her favorite things. I thought it was so sweet of her to think of me. She is now pregnant again with another little girl without any fertility!

Then my little sis and Carla brought me flowers. They are starting to die now but I wanted to take a picture and thank them any way. They were beautiful and every time I looked at them I felt hope and peace.

So I just want to say thank you I couldn't have done it without all your help and well wishes. So now all we can do is pray for a miracle....we will let you know the news in a couple of weeks.

The Embryos!!!

I'm substituting for Kim today because she's a little loopy right now and may be too detailed in her description of the implant process. I don't want her to wake up tomorrow not knowing what she typed in her blog. Anyway it all went good and here's a picture of the Embryo's that were implanted today. The left one is little more advanced, but the Doctor said both looked very good. Now it's a waiting game for two weeks until we go back and get the Confirmation that KIM'S PREGNANT!!!

This is my first and last blog post; it's been nice chatting with everybody. Later!
Jon

DAY 6 TRANSFER

What a roller coaster ride this whole process has been. The Dr. Called this morning and said that all the embryos are still alive and....he said there were still 13 so I must have misunderstood him the first time thinking he said 11. Anyway that means all that were fertilized are still alive....which is amazing! There are three that have separated themselves from the rest and look the strongest. By going to day 6 they will be able to determine which two out of those three are the very best to transfer. We were all ready to go this morning and we were surprised by what they said.....but we feel that we need to trust there opinion....after all they are the experts. So tomorrow at 12:30 FOR SURE we will do the transfer. Sorry to drang you through this whole process but pretty exciting stuff goin on!

DAY 5 TRANSFER!

Well we got the phone call this morning that 11 embryos are still growing. So we have decided to grow them to day 5. This is really exciting news and we are so happy. Four out of the 11 look a little stronger than the rest so hopefully at least those four will make it to day 5 so we will have some to freeze. But all we really need is two. I just can't believe how well everything is going. We have definitely seen the Lords hand in all of this. From the timing to being able to go to day 5. This will give us a 70% chance of conceiving. Considering a normal couple only has a 15% chance each month to get pregnant we feel pretty good with our 70%. So now we just need to pray that they will continue to grow and that it will work!

EVEN MORE GOOD NEWS!

We just found out that 13 out of the 18 eggs successfully fertilized. Yippee! As of now we have 13 little embryos growing. We are so excited and are looking forward to the transfer either on Sun. or Tues. If the embryos can make it to Tuesday our chances of conceiving go up to 70%.....they call this the blastocyst stage. This would be best case scenario but a day three transfer has great success rates as well. We feel good about either one. So something phenomenal has happened in the last two days....Jon's sperm has met my egg! CRAZY!!!!! This has never happened before. What an amazing process this has been. Thanks again for all your prayers!

GOOD NEWS!

So today was the big day and we have some good news! When we got there Dr. Heiner told us that based on my last ultrasound from Tues. he should be able to retrieve around 9 eggs and that we could possibly find one more. Well to all of our surprise he found 9 more. Yep 18 eggs he found. What a miracle to have doubled my number in just a days time. We feel really good other than I am really sore. Can I just say I love being put out! I didn't want to wake up.....it was the most peaceful sleep I have had in a long time. Thanks mom for taking the boys over night and my sweet neighbor who brought us dinner. Heidi the soup was delicious and your desert is sinfully good. Carla also brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers tonight...it was so sweet of her to do that. Thanks Carla it meant a lot to me.

One sad thing about today is my sweet Cade had his preschool graduation and we missed it. But thanks to my mom and Carla we have pictures and video. He did such a good job and we are so proud of him. I will post some pics when we get them from Carla.

Just want to say thanks for all your prayers in our behalf we have felt them through this whole process. We had so many phone calls, e-mails and text messages this morning to wish us luck. We are so blessed to have such great support. Love you all!

Just one more thing......

Well I should be in bed but here I am checking my blog. Could this be an addiction? I think I just really need an outlet and this is it for me. Jon thinks I am crazy but yet he is the first to ask "do we have any comments"? I just want to say thanks for the comments it was so uplifting to read. I want to share a scripture that I came across about a month ago when we just started this whole process. I don't want to sound cheesy but it meant so much to me at a time when I really needed to know if we were doing the right thing. I have been reading Doctor and Covenants and just happened to come across this scripture on a day I really needed some reassurance. It is D&C 11:10-14. Look it up if you want. It brought me so much peace.
Crazy to think our little embryos start growing tomorrow. What usually happens inside the body when you get pregnant is happening for me just out side my body in a petree dish an hour away from where I will be. CRAZY! I am so amazed that it is even possible.

Don't get too excited!

Well I had to take a pregnancy test today and it was my very first positive pregnancy test I have ever had.....and I have taken a LOT! But don't get too excited it is just to make sure they gave me enough of the HCG hormone. So this is a good thing but it does not mean I am pregnant. Still it was an exciting thing to see that second line show up. Do you know how many times I have sat a starred at that stupid test praying my guts out it would be positive. So kinda funny just thought I would share this info with ya all. I think my ovaries are over taking my body. I can barley walk today....maybe that means I will have lots of good eggs. My sister showed up out of the blue this morning and took my kids for me...how nice is that. I won't get all mushy and tell her how much I love her and how nice it was that she did that for me....cause people might start thinking we are weired with how often we express our love for each other! But thanks sis it has been so nice to rest. Any way I will let you know how the egg retrieval goes. Thanks for all the phone calls and comments it is so uplifting!

Yep another Dr. apt.

I have gone to the clinic six days in a row now and I am excited to have a break. It looks like they are going to do the egg retrieval on Thurs. Which means I get tomorrow off. YIPPEE!!!! I was a little disappointed when I went in this morning and had my ultrasound. My uterine lining was still a little thin. They like it to be at least 6.5 and mine was 6.4. The Dr. seemed surprised and a little concerned so it upset me. I held it together until I left and then cried the whole way home. My friend Lynette who has also adopted two boys is doing IVF the week after us at the same clinic. (not planned just a coincidence) Any way she was in the waiting room when I walked out and we just gave each other a big hug and cried. It is so nice to have her to talk to and work things out. Unless you have gone through it it is hard to really comprehend how difficult it is emotionally. All we want is a family. We have devoted so much of our lives to bringing children into our home. Even though it has not been easy the Lord has blessed us to be in the right place at the right time. I feel that this is the right time for us to be doing IVF. I still feel peace and know that we have done our part and the rest is up to the Lord. Like Jon said in the blessing he gave me Miracles happen every day. Just so you know the uterine lining is what the egg adheres to so it is very important that it is nice and thick. I will probably just have to take it really easy after the embryo transfer and stay on bed rest for a couple of days. This whole experience has defiantly tested my faith. I just need to rely on the confirmation we had that this is the right thing. So I guess pray for my uterine lining that the darn thing can thicken up. And wish me luck!


I also just want to take a minute and tell my grandma how much I love her. She went out of her way to call tonight to wish us luck and let us know that we are in her prayers. I love my Grandma so much and hope that I can be just like her. She is so loving and is always taking care of everyone else. I have the sweetest memories of playing cards, singing songs, feeding the gold fish and catching grass hoppers with her. She has always been such a great example to me and has taught me the importance of being domestic and finding joy in it. She loves to bake and make things for other people and always has a cookie for the kids. My boys love her! She is such a wonderful person and I feel so blessed to have her as my Grandma. Thanks for all you do Grandma and for thinking of us. Your phone call meant so much to me. I love you!

Another Dr. Apt.

Well we went to the Dr. again this morning and it looks like we will be doing the egg retrieval on Thurs. WOW I can not believe it is really here. The folicles are good size but he wants me to go one more day to see if my hormone levels will rise a little more. So tomarrow night I will do what they call the TRIGGER shot. It is HCG which is the pregnancy hormone. This will finalize the egg growth. EXACTLY 35 hrs. after that shot is when they will retrieve the eggs. This is kind of a painful process so they will put me completely under.....which I am grateful for! They will also collect a sample from Jon that day....fun for him! (poor guy) After the eggs are out they put them in a solution that imitates the solution they were in and put them in a dark warm place so they can adapt to there new enviorment. After a few hours they will fertilize them. We are doing what they call ICSI where they actually inject the sperm into the egg to ensure fertilization. It is all so amazing to me. Then they will let the eggs harvest in a dish until they become an embryo and are ready to be implanted into my uterus. This takes aprx. 3-5 days. So the egg is fertilized all it has to do is implant. Not too hard you would think but it can be a tricky thing. We feel very optimistic and have faith that it will work.
Jon, my dad, brother and brother-in-laws all gave me a blessing last night and it was such a neat experience. I wanted a blessing that my body could work properly and that it would accept the embryo. It brought me such peace and reassurance that we are doing the right thing. It also let me know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my situation. The spirit was so strong! I am so grateful for the priesthood and for the wonderful men in my life who are worthy and willing to give me a blessing. I love them all so much. We also had a family fast yesterday. I just want our families to know how much it meant to us that they would fast in our behalf. I don't know how we would get through this with out them. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the love and support we have been given from our family and friends. All of you have made this bearable. Now we are here can you believe it. Jon and I were talking and I have been doing my shots now for 25 days. It is hard to believe we have made it this far. I am a stronger person than I thought I was and even though it has been so hard at the same time it has not been as hard as I thought. The Lord has defiantly blessed us with the help we have needed. After tomorrow night no more shots in my belly. I can't tell you how happy that makes me! Well I will let you know how the egg retrieval goes. Pray I have some good eggs!

I feel a lot better!

Well we went to the temple last night and now I feel a lot better! It is amazing the peace that can come to you when you go to the temple. Thanks for all the sweet comments and for being there for me. You are all so wonderful. The Dr. office called last night and upped my meds. to give my ovaries a little kick. I have an apt. tomorrow to see how things are going. I will keep you posted.

Just need to vent a little!

Well sorry to be such a cry baby in my last blog. I really am okay I just need to be honest every once in a while and tell how I REALLY feel. Life is just crazy right now. Jon is so so busy at work and it is not really showing in his numbers. I don't think I have ever seen him work so hard and be so frustrated with the results. Not very good timing as far as our IVF goes. He hasn't gone to any of my apt. with me because he has to spend every minute he can trying to build new business. He has so much pressure on him and I feel so bad and there is nothing I can do. I am not suppose to stress myself out......Yea Right! My kids have been so good but it has been hard to have me gone so much. I dropped Jake off at Nikki's and went to take Cade to pre-school so I could go to my Dr. apt. Well Cade wouldn't let me leave so I had to take him with me. The poor kid. I think he thought the Dr. apt was going to be fun instead I think he was traumatized. As the Dr. asked me to get undressed so they could do the Vag. Ultrasound he asks with a concerned look "Mom why are you taking your cloths off....what are they going to use that tool for"? I just made something up so he wouldn't worry. Then they had to draw more blood, but I reassured him it didn't hurt. I have been stuck in the same place three time this week but the nurse is awesome and I hardly feel it. Everyone there is just awesome and so positive.

I LOVE my family so much and I feel so bad I can't be there for them. Hopefully Jon's work will start picking up so we won't have that stress and by the end of next week we should be done with this going to the Dr. every other day. So now I feel better thanks for letting me vent. This really is GREAT therapy....and it doesn't cost $. Thanks for all your sweet comments they help so much. Oh by the way the Dr. apt went well. I have 18 follicles growing on the Right side and 12 on the Left. I guess this is good. There were only about 6 that were good size. But I am sure they will up my dose of meds to make them bigger. They will call me with my results later today. So if I look pregnant I am not my ovaries are just HUGE! Love you all and hope you have a good day!
P.S. I just have to thank a couple of more people for helping me...Jana you are the best, thanks for watching the boys while we go to the Temple tonight. And Laurie thank you for helping me with primary stuff.....you have taken such a load off and I am so grateful. Hopefully I can return the favors. Thanks guys!

A little pick me up!

So Jon had sales training today at his corporate office. When he got home from work he gave me a package that the Pres. of the company and his wife had made for me. I was so surprised to see a basket full of things to help me get through the next week. I had a really hard day today so it was perfect timing. I really needed a little pick me up. I had just told Jon I wanted him to ship me away for the next three weeks and then I could come home when it was all over with. Not really but I would much rather be sitting on a beach some where. Any way it was just what I needed. Bret and Cristy if you read this I just want you to know how much it meant to me that you would think of something so sweet to help me through this time. The basket was full of things like bubble bath,(I love the transformer bubble bath for Jon), movies, band aids and blind fold for my shots, chocolate, and my favorite the box of nuts.....cause I feel a little nuts right now! They all had a funny note to go with them. It really was so sweet and made me smile!

I am not sure why I am having such a hard time I just feel like CRAP! I am sooooooo.... tired which is a side effect of the Lu pron and I am always slightly nauseous. I really do feel good about everything. I think it is the drugs or at least I am going to blame them. It is also hard being so consumed with all of this and having two kids who depend so much on me. I am so grateful for all the help my sisters have given me. And Jon he is the best husband. He has been so busy at work and then he has to come home and deal with me. Thanks everyone for all your help and mom thanks for listening to me vent. What would I do without all of you!

I had a Dr. apt last Thurs. and everything looked great. I started all the other drugs on Sat. and went in again yesterday for a blood draw. They lowered some of my meds but said it all looked good. Now I go in again tomorrow for a blood draw and ultrasound and again on Sat. and probably Mon. before the egg retrieval. Some time around Wed. is when they will do the egg retrieval but it all depends on when your body is ready. The clinic is out on 106 south so it is quite the trip. But thanks to my sisters it makes it a lot easier. It has not been easy but we have made it this far. We are doing our part so now all we can do is put our trust in the Lord. I know he will bless us. Today is just a reminder to me that through hard times the Lord gives us tender mercies.... whether its a feeling of peace or a basket full of silly stuff to make you smile. He knows each one of us and our needs. I know that if we have faith and trust him he will bless us. Sorry to get all gooey again..... IT'S THE DRUGS! But thanks again Bret and Cristy! And I will keep you all posted throughout the next week.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO MY SWEET MOMS!

Well today is Mothers Day and I just wanted to take a minute and tell my mom how much I love her. I am so grateful for all the things she taught me. I know that she thinks there are things she should have done but to us she did everything right. It was by her example that certain things are important to me. Like: having a clean home, living on a budget, exercising, cooking for my family, not arguing in front of the kids, going to church each week, reading the scriptures, praying for my kids as I know she did us and still does, and most of all having FAITH no matter what! She is the strongest most loving woman I have ever known. She has ALWAYS been there for me.....like when I fell off my bike and skinned my knee, all the MANY nights I wet my bed and she had to change my sheets (that is true love), when I had my heart broken, planned my wedding, struggled to have children, waiting at the agency for my baby boy to be placed in my arms, when Jon got lost, Jake coming to our family and moving two weeks later, all the times I feel I have failed as a Mother and she reassures me I am doing a great job, and now as we are hoping to add another child into our family. She has always been my ROCK and I am grateful for her faith and her strength. My mom never waivers and always stays strong. I try so hard to be like her and just have Faith. I just want her to know how much I LOVE HER! Mom thanks for all you do for us and our kids. Not only are you the best Mother but you are the best Granny to our kids too. Happy Mothers Day Mom I love you sooooo...... Much!


Now for my sweet Mother-in-law. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to get such a wonderful Mother-in-law. When I met Jon I knew I was marring into a great family but I had now idea really how blessed I was. Carla does so much for our family. She is such an example to me of what it means to truly serve. She does so many fun things for us and our kids, from her Easter egg hunt to the Christmas Eve talent show. She is always thinking of ways to make things more fun, and she does it all for us. She is also such a hard worker and has defiantly done her time in the work field. We are all so happy she will be able to stay home soon. I admire how she has raised such successful sons and the sweetest daughter. Jon is the wonderful husband he is because of his Mother. My kids love there Grandma and all the fun things she does for them. She never misses anything and wants me tell her about things my kids are doing so she can be there to support them. She is also an example of strength to me and has always showed me so much love and support. From the very beginning she has always made me feel right at home. Thanks Carla for being the best Mother-in-law a gril could ask for and such a sweet Grandma to our kids. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I LOVE YOU!