JUST ONE MORE THING!

So I am finding each day brings new challenges as we try to move on. I have found that I have to completely change my thought process and every thing seems to remind me of what might have been. But I do have to say that having two kids makes this a lot easier! Life has to move on with two boys who need you and want you to be upbeat and fun. I know that time heals everything.

I also wanted to add just a few words for those who are thinking about IVF and have been watching our blog. Jon and I have no regrets. IVF has worked for so many people. And even though it didn't work for us it was an amazing process. There was nothing easy about it but I would do it again if that is what felt right. So don't give up just because it didn't work for us and just know that if you try and it doesn't work I am living proof you will survive!!!!

When you find yourself in situations like ours it is hard to understand why. I learned a long time ago not to ask why because for now there is not an answerer. But I do know I am a stronger person because of this trial. It is not easy for people like us who struggle with infertility. We quietly watch the world move on as we deal with the pain of not being able to have a family. We watch others around us have children and share in there joy while our heart aches. I remember feeling that it was not fare that others around me were being blessed with a family and here I was with still no children. It is a difficult time but you have to find a way to get through it and separate your sadness from other peoples joy. This was a huge accomplishment for me when I could finally be happy for others while still sad for us. I have lots of people in my life expecting babies and I could not be happier for them. But this was not always so easy for me. We have been married for almost ten years and we have spent nine of them working on our family. It has been hard but worth every tear and heart ache. Sitting waiting for a miracle to happen is not the way it works although it would be nice. You have to be willing to do what ever it takes if you truly want a family. It has not been easy putting ourselves in such vulnerable situations but it is what has brought us great blessings. We love our boys birth parents and there families and have embraced the wonderful experience of adoption. We did not know our ability to love was so huge. And even though we have moved on we think of our sweet Birth Mothers often and talk to our boys about them. I look at my boys and know without a doubt they were meant to be ours! All I ever wanted was to be a mom just like my mom. I thought it would be so easy. Getting them here has not been easy and raising them deffinetly is not easy! But I have such a love and apreciation for the opportunity I have to be a mother and raise my boys. There is nothing I would rather be doing in my life than chacing after Cade and Jake! They bring Jon and I so much Joy and we thank the Lord every day for the blessings they are to us.

So to all my infertil sisters out there don't give up! If you truly want a family do what ever it takes to have one. No matter how they get here they will bring you more joy than you ever thought possible!!!!!!!!

ARE WE LOVED OR WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flowers and goodies from all of our neighbors and friends. We love you all so much!

Just received these flowers from my BFF Jayme and her mom Ellen. Thank you so much I love you both!

Can I just say Jon and I feel like the most loved people on earth right now! A guy came to the door yesterday with a bouquet of flowers from my aunt and all my cousins. I had already been crying and when I answered the door I just started to cry even harder. The poor kid didn't know what to say but told me to have a good day. I thought there it not one good thing about today! But look at all this good from all of our friends and family. I can't believe how many comments, e-mails, and phone calls we have received. It has been overwhelming to feel the love and concern you all have for us. I think some times we hesitate to be open about things we might be going through. It is hard to show weakness but I am so glad that I decided to let you all into our lives and see us how we really are. Life is full of trials for all of us and if we could just realize how much we can do for one another if we will just open up. I really and truly can not tell you how much it has helped to have your love and prayers. If I hadn't opened up I would be sitting here in my misery wondering........doesn't any one care? But instead I feel this outpouring of love and sympathy from so many people. Even some old high school friends who found my blog. 11 years ago all I could think about is graduating and moving on with life. Never did I imagine I would face such difficult trials. But you grow up and realize that life is more than just about you and you make sacrifices. Jon and I will do what it takes to bring another baby into our family. We don't know what this all means for us yet but we will figure out the reason for our failed IVF. We are just going to take some time away from baby and focus on the two miracles we already have.

I thought the tears would stop but some how they just keep on flowing. I had high hopes I would get up and put some make-up on but its raining and I can't stop crying so what the point. We will move on but for right now I think I need a little time to like my friend Missy said "let my heart ache". Jon and I are so sad but feel the love of our Savior and realize all of his suffering. This life was not meant to be easy. I want to share a quote that my cousin Summer put on her blog after loosing a twin at 8 weeks Preg.

“Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”


I read this over and over because it hits home with me. I know that we will be stronger because of this. Last night Jon and I were looking at the picture of our embryos and talking about how much hope we had that they would take. I mentioned how sad it was that they never took and he said "yes but they made us stronger"! I will hold on to that knowledge for the rest of my life. And take with me what they have given me..... a new understanding of how much my Heavenly Father Loves me.

Thanks again for all your love, we couldn't get through this with out all of you!!!! This will be my last post about our IVF. We have come so far from our first post. I want to start moving on and blog about my sweet family. Enough about me I want to focus on others for a while! My boys are so much fun right now and are doing lots of great things. So no more sad and depressing posts I promise. Love You all so much!

OUR WORST FEAR!

Well our worst fear was confirmed today. The Dr. office called to confirm the pregnancy did not work. I am finally calm enough to sit and let you all know. I am surprisingly doing okay. I still feel so much peace and know that the Lord is aware of what we are going through. It is hard to understand sometimes why things don't go the way we want or hope they would.....but I struggled for years to know what my purpose was and if I could not have children why was I here. I knew what my purpose was the second I held sweet little Cade and then again when we got our Jakie. I was meant to be here for them and I finally knew what my purpose was. Don't get me wrong this is so devastating for us but I have learned not to doubt the Lords plan for me. The road to have a family has not been easy for us but it has brought amazing blessings into our lives. All the hope and peace we have felt is real and I know that if we stay strong the Lord will bless us with more children. Thanks to all of you for your love, prayers and everything else you have done to help us believe. I still believe and refuse to give up! I love you all and I am grateful for each one of you and the blessing you are in our lives. To my sweet mom and dad who are gone I love you more than words can say. I am okay because you have taught not to ever give up and to always have hope and faith in the Lord and my savior. For that I am so grateful. You are always telling me how strong I am and it is because of the two of you! And to Carla and Merrill thanks for raising such a good man with so much faith, love, and compasion. I couldn't ask for a better husband. Thanks also for your love and prayers and helping us through this. At times like this we have to remember our blessings and just like Jon's blessing last night said "never give up hope". Sorry for such sad news......but thank you again for all you have done.

Lots of Love,

Jon and Kim

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW

Well tomorrow is the big day. The last two weeks feel like two years to me. I have mixed feelings tonight about what we might hear tomorrow. I have been bleeding a lot today and I feel that I might being loosing one or both babies. Of coarse it is hard to know what this all means because it could be anything. IVF is so hard on your body and I think my body has had enough. Jon gave me a wonderful blessing tonight. In it he told me not to give up hope and that I could feel peace. So as hard as it is I am going to hope my heart out until the end. The wonderful thing is....is that I do feel peace even through all my fears of the worst and doubts that it is going to work. I still feel there is a chance and I am trying to have faith. But I know that some how some way if the answer we get tomorrow is not good that I will get through it. I am just ready to know one way or the other and move on with my life. My boys need there mom back. As much as I would love another child I am so grateful for the two I have. I have come to realize more than ever before how truly blessed I am to be the mom of Cade and Jake. I have also realized that it is not the pregnancy I long for but the baby. If this doesn't work it is not the loss of what it would be like to be pregnant but the loss of what it would mean to have another child. In a lot of ways pregnancy is not that appealing to me! Don't get me wrong I think it is a beautiful and miraculous thing but also very hard. I would love the opportunity to carry our child but more than anything I just want a family. I pray with all my heart the Lord will bless us. I am sorry I have dragged all of you through this roller coaster but.....Honestly.........I couldn't have done it without you. You have lifted me up and given me the courage to get through this. And my sweet sweet hubby who has showed me so much love and compassion and has never let me think for one second it wouldn't work. I love him more now than ever and I am grateful to have him by my side. My poor mom and dad are in Hawaii. Which is great for them.... but I know they are dying to know the out come and praying there guts out it works. Both of our families have been amazing. I don't mean to sound like it is over because it's not I just wanted to let you all in on what has been going on so you can continue to pray for us. I need your prayers! It is hard to feel so vulnerable and helpless but I trust in the Lord and his plan for us. Our appointment is at 10:00 but they won't call us until later with the results. We will let you know as soon as we find out. I love you all and thank you again for all you have done for me!!! I am holding on to all the hope and faith I have left and still feel there is a good chance it will all be okay. I also want to tell my sweet friend and her husband who just went through this process and found out her embryos were no good and has also been hyperstimulted which is a condition caused by all the meds. It is not very common but it does happen to about 1% of women who do IVF. We are thinking and praying for you.

Thanks again to all of you for your support...we will talk to you soon.

Love Kim