JUST TO LET YOU KNOW

Well tomorrow is the big day. The last two weeks feel like two years to me. I have mixed feelings tonight about what we might hear tomorrow. I have been bleeding a lot today and I feel that I might being loosing one or both babies. Of coarse it is hard to know what this all means because it could be anything. IVF is so hard on your body and I think my body has had enough. Jon gave me a wonderful blessing tonight. In it he told me not to give up hope and that I could feel peace. So as hard as it is I am going to hope my heart out until the end. The wonderful thing is....is that I do feel peace even through all my fears of the worst and doubts that it is going to work. I still feel there is a chance and I am trying to have faith. But I know that some how some way if the answer we get tomorrow is not good that I will get through it. I am just ready to know one way or the other and move on with my life. My boys need there mom back. As much as I would love another child I am so grateful for the two I have. I have come to realize more than ever before how truly blessed I am to be the mom of Cade and Jake. I have also realized that it is not the pregnancy I long for but the baby. If this doesn't work it is not the loss of what it would be like to be pregnant but the loss of what it would mean to have another child. In a lot of ways pregnancy is not that appealing to me! Don't get me wrong I think it is a beautiful and miraculous thing but also very hard. I would love the opportunity to carry our child but more than anything I just want a family. I pray with all my heart the Lord will bless us. I am sorry I have dragged all of you through this roller coaster but.....Honestly.........I couldn't have done it without you. You have lifted me up and given me the courage to get through this. And my sweet sweet hubby who has showed me so much love and compassion and has never let me think for one second it wouldn't work. I love him more now than ever and I am grateful to have him by my side. My poor mom and dad are in Hawaii. Which is great for them.... but I know they are dying to know the out come and praying there guts out it works. Both of our families have been amazing. I don't mean to sound like it is over because it's not I just wanted to let you all in on what has been going on so you can continue to pray for us. I need your prayers! It is hard to feel so vulnerable and helpless but I trust in the Lord and his plan for us. Our appointment is at 10:00 but they won't call us until later with the results. We will let you know as soon as we find out. I love you all and thank you again for all you have done for me!!! I am holding on to all the hope and faith I have left and still feel there is a good chance it will all be okay. I also want to tell my sweet friend and her husband who just went through this process and found out her embryos were no good and has also been hyperstimulted which is a condition caused by all the meds. It is not very common but it does happen to about 1% of women who do IVF. We are thinking and praying for you.

Thanks again to all of you for your support...we will talk to you soon.

Love Kim