So many things on my mind...it is time to blog!!!

Okay, so there has been a lot on my mind lately that I have wanted to blog about so here I am with a free moment!!!! :)

First of all Lia turned ONE which is really hard for me to believe!!!

This past year has been filled with nothing but BLISS with the addition of Lia. She has been the best baby and my little piece of sanity. Somehow the boys fighting, complaining, tearing the house apart and throwing fits all seems to dissapear as I hold and rock my sweet Lia. I know some day she will be part of all that but for right now she is perfect in every way!!! She has brought a sweet spirit into our home and I am grateful every day that I get to be her mommy!!!

In celebration of Lia turning one we had her Birth Mother Amanda over to our home. It was so good to see her again and she looked so happy and content with where he life is going. I still don't know how she had the strength to do what she did but we are so grateful for the miracle she has given our family. We have decided this will be the last time we will see Amanda and there is a lot of relief and sadness that comes with that. Sad cause I love her so much but relief knowing we are moving on. It is a pretty big responsility to keep all of our Birth Families involved in our kids' lives. I was already spent before Lia and didn't think I had what it took to take care of another Birth Family. Lia's situation has not been easy but here I am a year later and it has been an amazing experience.

We recently took the boys to see the play Annie Get Your Gun at RMT in Centerville. The reason we went was because Jake's Birth Mother's Brother Brian was in it. After the play we went up to say hi and he was so excited to see Jake. After talking for a minute we decided to go to his parents house and see Brittany (Jake's Birth Mother) and her parents. This was very last minute and not planned at all and the whole way there we were wondering what the heck we were doing. It ended up being such a wonderful night and it was so good to see all of them again. We have not seen them since Jake turned one so it has been a while. Brittany was as cute as ever and her and her family were so kind and respectful. As wonderful as it was to see them it opened a WHOLE can of worms with Cade. He was asking when he was going to be able to see his Birth Mother. I think it has been confusing for him this past year and all that we have been through with Lia's Birth Mother and now we were seeing Jake's Birth Mother. I spent the next day answereing questions and trying to put his mind at ease. My heart broke as tried to explain to my sweet boy how much I love him and that no one loves him more than I do. His reply was "my Birth Mother Loves me too".

He is so right his Birth Mother does love him but it is not possible for her to love him as much as I do. I am the one who has gotten up with him durring the night, watched him take his first steps, rushed him to the hospital to have stitches, wiped his bum, wiped his tears, sent him to school, taught him to ride a bike, put up with all his crap :), prayed for him, cried for him. the list goes on and on. For a moment it didn't seem fair that I would have to share my title of Mother with anyone else. I felt overwhelmed and upset that I had to deal with any of this. I have tried to prepare myself but I think it is impossible. Being a Mother is hard enough with out this huge resposibility of telling my kids of where they came from and why, especially when I don't feel they are any less mine than if I had given birth to them myself. At that moment I wished for that. I wished it had of been possible for me to bring my sweet kids into the world, to see them before they were born, to feel them move in my belly, to see them take their first breath, to cuddle them moments after Birth. Instead I have had to sit at home and wait paitently for a phone call or for a date of when placement will be, instead I have to explain to my kids why they didn't grow in my belly. For a minute I was bitter and wondered why this was bothering me so much. I have never once questioned that this was Gods plan for our family, I know my kids were always meant to be ours but all of the sudden I felt sad that I had to share them. I spent the day thinking about each of our kids and how we have been prepared to be in the right place at the right time for them to come into our lives. I couldn't help but think about all the amazing things i have been able to experience.....Holding my babies for the first time knowing how much I longed for them to be mine, the spirit I felt as their Birth Mothers lovingly placed them in my arms, the relationship I have had with these amazing women, the amazing love and gratitude I feel for each of my kids, taking our kids to the temple and being sealed to them, the tender, sweet moments spent talking to my kids about their Birth Mothers, and most of all the joy of being a MOTHER!!!! All though this journey is not easy each of these women have given us something we could not give ourselves, the blessing of an eternal family. After crying for a few hours my sadness was replaced with peace. I know my kids know how much I love them and that I will always be their Mother (the one who loves them the most). The easy thing would be not to tell them anything at all or to tell them all the things that would be harder about their life if their Birth Mother didn't place. But I love them too much. I am their Mother and it is my responsibilty to comfort them and help them know how much I love them and that "their Birth Mother loves them too"!!!! :) This is an easy thing to do, especially because I love their Birth Mothers so much. I feel blessed to have answers for my kids and that I can tell them from experience how hard it was for their Birth Mothers to place because I was there. In the end all I want is for my kids to know how much they are loved. It would break my heart into a million pieces if they ever thought other wise!!! Boy do I love my kiddos!!!!

I feel like the luckiest girl alive to be blessed with such amazing experiences in my life. My kids give my life meaning and purpose and I would go through it all again if it meant having my Cade, Jake and Lia!!!! It is a sad thing knowing you are done having kids. I have cherished every second of Lia's life knowing she is our last. Usually at this point we would be filling out paper work or planning to do IVF. It is a little strange after 10 years of trying to get kids here we don't have to worry about that anymore. It is a GREAT feeling. Jon and I will continue to send letters and pictures on Birthdays to our Birth Families but now that Lia is one we are moving forward. It is a great feeling to know that I have done all I can do for each of them. I have shared so much of our lives with them and a lot of times put them before myself. I will never regret all that I have done for them and I have been happy to do it. It has been important to me to see them heal and move forward with thier lives. We will always be grateful for what they have given us and who knows maybe someday our kids will want to meet them. But now we just get to be a family! Now I can focus on being the best mom possible to my kids and just ENJOY!!!! :)