WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?

Oh my goodness how does time pass so quickly? I made lots of promises to myself that I was going to keep up on this blog thing even just for my own keep sake. That is working out really well since my last post was over a year ago. Life is too short not to remember the great things we experience and if we don't record them it just quickly passes us by. This past year has been kind of a crazy one filled with lots of ups and downs. First of all my kids are getting so big. My baby turned THREE in June and I am still in denial that she will just keep growing. It breaks my heart that their little lives go so quickly. Since it is now November 2012 I am going to to a quick recap of the past year. I am going to start with......

CADE-

It is hard to believe Cade is 9 years old and in the third grade. He has always been my quite mellow kid but that is all starting to change. He has a LOT of attitude these days and it is killing me! :) He is very moody and never wants to do what I ask him too...lol. But he is the sweetest boy and I don't know what I would do with out him, attitude and all.

JAKE-

I am happy to say has turned a Conner :) He has always been a kid with LOTS of energy that I have never known what to do with. Now that he is in first grade and he can Chanel all that energy into school life is wonderful :) He has been doing so well and we are so proud of him. He even earned student of the month award. Jon and I were speechless. He is a fun kid and is always making up games and prizes to win for Cade and Lia. He brings so much joy into our family and I am so grateful he is mine!

LIA-

Our little peanut is three and is the most adorable thing in the world. She is such a lover and is constantly telling us how much she loves us. Her affection is much appreciated as the boys don't show a whole lot :) The difference between boys and girls right? There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father for her....or for all of them. Lia brought our family so much peace when she came into our lives. Even though I would love another child I am content knowing I have her.

Life is crazy sometimes and we have had our share of crazy this year. At the beginning of the years we found out that Jon's new insurance with J&J would cover %80 of IVF. This opened a huge door for us and we decided that some time this year we would try IVF again. It sounded so easy and we really felt like it was a blessing straight from heaven. Come to find out it would take months for me to finally muster up the courage to do it again. I knew I had to go into this prepared in every way to accept the out come what ever it may be. Of course if it resulted in a pregnancy I could totally accept that BUT what if it didn't? Was I prepared for that? We prayed, fasted, went to the temple, ready my scriptures and really tried to know if this was what we were meant to do. Was this what Heavenly Fatter wanted us to do? I wanted an answerer so badly but it never came. We finally felt that we had to act first and hope that as we went along the confirmations would come. So that is what we did we moved forward with our IVF. The Reproductive Care Center opended a new facility in Layton which was a blessing in it's self. We met with Dr. Swelstad and started our journey through another IVF cycle. All of my pre testing went great which I felt was a tender mercy and a sign that we were doing the right thing. To make a long story short I responded to the drugs really well and things went really smooth. We had 12 eggs, 9 fertilized normally, day 3 we had one Excellent and several more good and fair, day 5 all but two died, we transferred those two felling very hopeful. My uterine lining looked good and as far as we could tell there was no reason it wouldn't work. The weeks prior to this were hard. Pumping yourself full of hormones is not a fun thing to do. Jon was gone a couple of times too so I had to do the shots myself. One day I drove to the ER to have my mom do it cause I just couldn't that day. It is a lot to put your body through and on top of it all I was sick several times. But the hardest part out of it all is the two week wait to find out if it took. I can not even express with words the turmoil I was in. The day of transfer I came home and coughed all day long. So hard I threw up. Then I sobbed and sobbed because I was sure I had coughed our embryos right out. Thank goodness the embryologist assured me that was not possible and that my cough would not effect the result. I felt at peace and I knew that what ever the outcome was it was not up to me. The next 9 days were so hard for me. Just like last time I started to spot and just like last time I held on to every ounce of faith and hope I had left in me. The day before I went in for my blood draw I started to bleed and I knew it was over. My heart ached so much and all I could do was cry.  I did pretty well the next day after my blood draw results. By this time I was so spent I had nothing left in me. I think I was just done. So I put on a happy face and told myself we were going to move forward. That is all I know how to do. I was sick of crying and I was upset that I let myself believe it was possible. In 14 years of being married I have never been pregnant so why would it happen now? As I have tried to process this whole experience I still can't make sense of all of it. All I know is that I should be about 12 weeks pregnant right now and starting to show. That was such an exciting thought 4 months ago when we began our IVF process. Now I am left with a hole in my heart not knowing how or if it will ever be filled. It is so hard because we really thought this was an answerer to our prayers to add another child to our family. We can no longer adopt through LDS and any other agency is very very expensive. So here we are hoping and praying for another miracle. I don't even know how I could ask for more. The Lord has blessed me so much. I have three kids that I absolutely LOVE to pieces. But what do you do when you feel there is another one? That is what we get to figure out. I am just trying to have faith in the Lords plan for me. At times it is really hard but all I have to do is look at the three miracles I have and I am reminded of how much the Lord loves me and that he wants to bless me. The hard part is how, when, and in what way???? Those are questions that only he can answerer. For now I try not to think about what might have been and realize the wonderful blessings in my life now. Not an easy road to travel but one I would not trade for the world!!!! I know that my heartache is not in vain and that in one way or another Jon and I will be blessed for our efforts. It is a hard and lonely trial. The rest of the world moves forward while you are left with a sadness not many people can understand. I was never even pregnant but yet there is so much that goes into an IVF cycle it feels like you were and it feels like you have lost something. I would never call it a miscarriage because that is something I am grateful I have never experienced. But it is for sure a loss. It is almost upsetting to me that I am still upset :)...lol I should be able to handle this by now right? The answerer is no, it is never easy. I am just grateful I get to wrap my arms around my sweet little ones. How grateful I am to a Loving Heavenly Father and three amazing Birth Mothers who made us a family!!!! As hard as this is it will never be as hard as it was before them!!!

On the bright side of things we some how escaped a layoff at Jon's work .....whew!!!!! And we are entering my VERY favorite time of year and I am so excited for the holidays!!! I am also doing a 90 day health program with Jon that my sis-in-law Jen is doing for us. So far I am 3 weeks into it and loving it. I can already see some changes and I am excited about that. It feels nice to have control over one thing in my life :)

So heres to starting a couple New Years resolutions early :)