SUMMER FUN!!!

We have had such a fun summer and I am so sad to see it come to an end. With Lia being a little older this year we tried to do as much camping as possible. We love our trailer and have so much fun spending time together as a family. For those of you who know me well you know how much I love to be on the go. I LOVE doing things as a family and I especially LOVE vacations. I wish every day could be a vacation and that Jon could retire and stay home with us all the time. Of coarse this is not reality so I enjoy every second of our time together!!! I am having kind of a mid life crises I guess you could say. I feel life is going by faster and faster the older I get and I hate it. I want to freeze my life, my kids, my marriage, my youth right where it is. So much of this life is filled with trials and struggles and I feel that my life could not be more perfect than it is right now. Jon and I are more in love now than ever and our kids for the most part are so much fun. My little Lia could not be cuter and I am enjoying every second of her sweet life. Cade and Jake are a little difficult cause they fight so much but they are also so much fun. I don't mind getting older cause life just gets better and better but I am not ready for it to pass me by and that is what I feel is happening. I guess all you can do is cherish every moment and I feel like I do!!!

So many things on my mind...it is time to blog!!!

Okay, so there has been a lot on my mind lately that I have wanted to blog about so here I am with a free moment!!!! :)

First of all Lia turned ONE which is really hard for me to believe!!!

This past year has been filled with nothing but BLISS with the addition of Lia. She has been the best baby and my little piece of sanity. Somehow the boys fighting, complaining, tearing the house apart and throwing fits all seems to dissapear as I hold and rock my sweet Lia. I know some day she will be part of all that but for right now she is perfect in every way!!! She has brought a sweet spirit into our home and I am grateful every day that I get to be her mommy!!!

In celebration of Lia turning one we had her Birth Mother Amanda over to our home. It was so good to see her again and she looked so happy and content with where he life is going. I still don't know how she had the strength to do what she did but we are so grateful for the miracle she has given our family. We have decided this will be the last time we will see Amanda and there is a lot of relief and sadness that comes with that. Sad cause I love her so much but relief knowing we are moving on. It is a pretty big responsility to keep all of our Birth Families involved in our kids' lives. I was already spent before Lia and didn't think I had what it took to take care of another Birth Family. Lia's situation has not been easy but here I am a year later and it has been an amazing experience.

We recently took the boys to see the play Annie Get Your Gun at RMT in Centerville. The reason we went was because Jake's Birth Mother's Brother Brian was in it. After the play we went up to say hi and he was so excited to see Jake. After talking for a minute we decided to go to his parents house and see Brittany (Jake's Birth Mother) and her parents. This was very last minute and not planned at all and the whole way there we were wondering what the heck we were doing. It ended up being such a wonderful night and it was so good to see all of them again. We have not seen them since Jake turned one so it has been a while. Brittany was as cute as ever and her and her family were so kind and respectful. As wonderful as it was to see them it opened a WHOLE can of worms with Cade. He was asking when he was going to be able to see his Birth Mother. I think it has been confusing for him this past year and all that we have been through with Lia's Birth Mother and now we were seeing Jake's Birth Mother. I spent the next day answereing questions and trying to put his mind at ease. My heart broke as tried to explain to my sweet boy how much I love him and that no one loves him more than I do. His reply was "my Birth Mother Loves me too".

He is so right his Birth Mother does love him but it is not possible for her to love him as much as I do. I am the one who has gotten up with him durring the night, watched him take his first steps, rushed him to the hospital to have stitches, wiped his bum, wiped his tears, sent him to school, taught him to ride a bike, put up with all his crap :), prayed for him, cried for him. the list goes on and on. For a moment it didn't seem fair that I would have to share my title of Mother with anyone else. I felt overwhelmed and upset that I had to deal with any of this. I have tried to prepare myself but I think it is impossible. Being a Mother is hard enough with out this huge resposibility of telling my kids of where they came from and why, especially when I don't feel they are any less mine than if I had given birth to them myself. At that moment I wished for that. I wished it had of been possible for me to bring my sweet kids into the world, to see them before they were born, to feel them move in my belly, to see them take their first breath, to cuddle them moments after Birth. Instead I have had to sit at home and wait paitently for a phone call or for a date of when placement will be, instead I have to explain to my kids why they didn't grow in my belly. For a minute I was bitter and wondered why this was bothering me so much. I have never once questioned that this was Gods plan for our family, I know my kids were always meant to be ours but all of the sudden I felt sad that I had to share them. I spent the day thinking about each of our kids and how we have been prepared to be in the right place at the right time for them to come into our lives. I couldn't help but think about all the amazing things i have been able to experience.....Holding my babies for the first time knowing how much I longed for them to be mine, the spirit I felt as their Birth Mothers lovingly placed them in my arms, the relationship I have had with these amazing women, the amazing love and gratitude I feel for each of my kids, taking our kids to the temple and being sealed to them, the tender, sweet moments spent talking to my kids about their Birth Mothers, and most of all the joy of being a MOTHER!!!! All though this journey is not easy each of these women have given us something we could not give ourselves, the blessing of an eternal family. After crying for a few hours my sadness was replaced with peace. I know my kids know how much I love them and that I will always be their Mother (the one who loves them the most). The easy thing would be not to tell them anything at all or to tell them all the things that would be harder about their life if their Birth Mother didn't place. But I love them too much. I am their Mother and it is my responsibilty to comfort them and help them know how much I love them and that "their Birth Mother loves them too"!!!! :) This is an easy thing to do, especially because I love their Birth Mothers so much. I feel blessed to have answers for my kids and that I can tell them from experience how hard it was for their Birth Mothers to place because I was there. In the end all I want is for my kids to know how much they are loved. It would break my heart into a million pieces if they ever thought other wise!!! Boy do I love my kiddos!!!!

I feel like the luckiest girl alive to be blessed with such amazing experiences in my life. My kids give my life meaning and purpose and I would go through it all again if it meant having my Cade, Jake and Lia!!!! It is a sad thing knowing you are done having kids. I have cherished every second of Lia's life knowing she is our last. Usually at this point we would be filling out paper work or planning to do IVF. It is a little strange after 10 years of trying to get kids here we don't have to worry about that anymore. It is a GREAT feeling. Jon and I will continue to send letters and pictures on Birthdays to our Birth Families but now that Lia is one we are moving forward. It is a great feeling to know that I have done all I can do for each of them. I have shared so much of our lives with them and a lot of times put them before myself. I will never regret all that I have done for them and I have been happy to do it. It has been important to me to see them heal and move forward with thier lives. We will always be grateful for what they have given us and who knows maybe someday our kids will want to meet them. But now we just get to be a family! Now I can focus on being the best mom possible to my kids and just ENJOY!!!! :)

Lia's is part of our Eternal Family!

Well I am not doing a very good job so far of keeping up on my blog but here is an update!!!

On the 16th of January we took our sweet little Lia to the Temple. Our day started out by going to Jon's cousin Laura's babies funeral. She lost her baby at 34 weeks and it was devastating. I can not tell you how much my heart ached for her and her sweet family when we heard the news. It was such a sweet funeral and I couldn't help but feel so grateful for the plan of salvation and that we can see our loved ones again. It gave me even more of an appreciation for being able to have Lia sealed to us. We left the funeral with heavy hearts but as we neared the Temple my heart was overflowing with JOY and EXCITEMENT for what was going to happen for our family. Temple workers were there waiting for us and they even let us take the kids to the cafeteria to get something to eat firs. As we walked trhoug the temple I kept telling the boys to look around and soak in everything they see. They were intrigued by all of it and were on their best behavior. After and quick lunch we dropped the kids off at the nursery and Jon and I went to do all of the paper work. After all of that was done we went to get ready. My mom was able to come with me to the brides room again and help me get ready. We chose the Bountiful Temple this time and it was BEAUTIFUL. It was so special to have my mom there with me one last time. Jon and I sat and waited in the celestial room and as we sat there Jon grabbed my hand and said "well Hun we made it"! It was overwhelming to think of all we had been through to get these sweet kids here and now we were in the temple having our last child sealed to us. It was an amazing feeling of accomplishment and gratitude. We both got tears in our eyes and we could not wait to see our kids all dressed in white. After a few minutes a worker came and got us and we went to the sealing room. It was so neat to walk in and see so many of our family and friends there to support us. Our sealer was amazing and told us how much he admired us for what we were about to do for Lia, and that with all the tragedy in Haiti right now he couldn't help think of how what was happening today was what Heavenly Father wanted for all of his children. Then it was time for the kiddos to come in. First walked in Jake and he had the cutest look on his face. Both him and Cade ran over to us and climbed up ON our laps. Then they brought in Lia and I could not hold it in any longer. The flood gates opened and I started to sob! I just held her and cried, it was all I could do. We chose my mom to hold Lia at the alter which was such a special thing for me. As we knelt at the altar and Lia was sealed to us my heart was full of so much joy!!! I think I even cried out load which is not cute but it was how I felt at that moment. Cade and Jake stood and watched as there baby sister became part of our Eternal family. Lia was so good throgh the whole thing and didn't make a sound. She just kept looking around at everyone. It really was the best moment of our lives! Life can be so hard but every now and then Heavenly Father gives us something really special to make it all worth it. This was it for us. Having Lia as our daughter is the greatest miracle we could have ever hoped for. After our IVF we had no idea what to do but we never gave up hope and because of that we were blessed. It was a day we will never forget and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has made this all possible!!!!!

Time to start blogging again!!!!

Okay so here is the deal. I really need to start blogging again. I love to keep a journal and lately I have not been very good at it. I realized today that blogging really helped me stay on top of my journaling. I think it helps to know that someone else just might want to read what I write. It gives me a little more motivation to do it. AND the fact that I can print it as well......even better. So here is to a new year of blogging/Journaling!!!!!!

So I am going to start my new years resolution by blogging about our awesome day today!!! Today we got to take our sweet little Lia to court and finalize her adoption. I am posting this more as a memory for me but hopefully you will all enjoy reading about our fun day. Lia has been so sick the past few weeks and I was worried thinking about our big day today knowing how miserable she has been. Last night Jon and our neighbor gave her a sweet blessing and I prayed that she would wake up a happier baby today. Last night didn't go so well but today she was awesome. A blessing, antibiotics and LOTS of ibuprofen helped a lot. She was as happy as she could be and perfect through the whole thing. We finalized at the Farmington court house with Judge Alfen. We had an attorney this time which was really nice cause he did all the work and we just answered his questions. The boys for the most part were on their best behavior and were intrigued by the whole thing. Lia sat on my lap and sucked on my hand and slobbered all over, completely unaware this whole day was for her. It was emotional for us and even our attorney got a little choked up when he asked the boys how they felt about their baby sister. The Judge was awesome and treated us like family and told us how lucky Lia was to be going to such a great family. Really we are the lucky ones to have such a sweet daughter. He also knew my dad which was kind of fun. We had lots of our family there which was so neat. It really is something we have been looking forward to for the past 6 months. Now that we have finalized the adoption we get to take our sweet Lia to the temple and have her sealed to us for eternity. THIS is the best part about adoption. I can't even let myself think about it without getting emotional. I could have only dreamt about this. When we decided to do IVF this was one thing I was sad we would not be able to do. It is so amazing to look back now at all that we went through to get Lia here and now she is going to be ours forever!!!! My heart is so full and I am going to leave it at that before I start to cry. Today was such a great day and I can not wait until Sat!!!!!