I WILL MISS PRIMARY!

Well I was released from my calling on Sunday and I just wanted to do a little post about it for my sake. I have been the Primary Sec. for a year and a half now and I have loved it! I love the women I have been able to work with and all of the children I have been able to get to know. Most of all I have loved watching Cade in the primary and seeing him learn about the Gospel. He is such a good kid and loves to go to church. There is nothing better as a parent than to see your child's testimony grow. Jake loves the nursery and cried last week when we had to leave after Sacrament. Getting two crazy boys ready every morning all by my self while Jon is at meetings is not always easy. Not to mention all the things I need to have prepared. So this will be a nice break. I will be teaching the 12 year old Sunday School which I am so excited about. I am even more excited that I get to go to Relief Society. It has been a long time since I have been able to sit and listen to a lesson.

Any way I just wanted to let Laurie and Missy know that I am going to miss them. I have learned so much from each of them and feel blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know them better. Thanks for being such great examples to me I love you both!!!

SISTERHOOD OF SUPPORT "SOS"

Since I have been blogging our IVF process I have received so much feed back from tons of people who are going through their own struggles with infertility and adoption. So here is my great idea.....I have created a blog just for us! Or anyone else who feels they want to be a part of it. It is kind of a cheesy name but it is all I could come up with. Jon gave me the SOS idea and I thought it was kind of cute! What I need from you is your email address so I can invite you to be a part of this fabulous idea of mine. We will all be able to create our own posts to share with others. It can be a story, question that you want answered, or just somewhere to vent. Most of all it will be a "sisterhood" somewhere that we can make connections and make life-long friends. I have made some amazing friendships through our infertility process. They are all amazing women with different stories to tell. I love them all so much and don't know what I would do without them. I have posted a picture of some of them...sorry for those who are not in it. We can all do so much to help and uplift one another. For so many years I felt so alone and wondered if there was anyone out there who shared in our same sorrow. Since I have been able to help teach adoption education courses and opened myself up to share our experience I have met so many people in our same situation. My dear friend Addie and I were in the same adoption class and have stayed close friends through the years. We both have two adorable boys, each 6 months apart from each other. What a blessing it has been to have her by my side to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I cherish all of these women and their friendship. My hope for this blog is that you too can find that same support and friendship. Feel free to post pictures and anything else you would like to help us to know you better. So send me your email and lets make some connections.

Click here to visit S.O.S

JUST ONE MORE THING!

So I am finding each day brings new challenges as we try to move on. I have found that I have to completely change my thought process and every thing seems to remind me of what might have been. But I do have to say that having two kids makes this a lot easier! Life has to move on with two boys who need you and want you to be upbeat and fun. I know that time heals everything.

I also wanted to add just a few words for those who are thinking about IVF and have been watching our blog. Jon and I have no regrets. IVF has worked for so many people. And even though it didn't work for us it was an amazing process. There was nothing easy about it but I would do it again if that is what felt right. So don't give up just because it didn't work for us and just know that if you try and it doesn't work I am living proof you will survive!!!!

When you find yourself in situations like ours it is hard to understand why. I learned a long time ago not to ask why because for now there is not an answerer. But I do know I am a stronger person because of this trial. It is not easy for people like us who struggle with infertility. We quietly watch the world move on as we deal with the pain of not being able to have a family. We watch others around us have children and share in there joy while our heart aches. I remember feeling that it was not fare that others around me were being blessed with a family and here I was with still no children. It is a difficult time but you have to find a way to get through it and separate your sadness from other peoples joy. This was a huge accomplishment for me when I could finally be happy for others while still sad for us. I have lots of people in my life expecting babies and I could not be happier for them. But this was not always so easy for me. We have been married for almost ten years and we have spent nine of them working on our family. It has been hard but worth every tear and heart ache. Sitting waiting for a miracle to happen is not the way it works although it would be nice. You have to be willing to do what ever it takes if you truly want a family. It has not been easy putting ourselves in such vulnerable situations but it is what has brought us great blessings. We love our boys birth parents and there families and have embraced the wonderful experience of adoption. We did not know our ability to love was so huge. And even though we have moved on we think of our sweet Birth Mothers often and talk to our boys about them. I look at my boys and know without a doubt they were meant to be ours! All I ever wanted was to be a mom just like my mom. I thought it would be so easy. Getting them here has not been easy and raising them deffinetly is not easy! But I have such a love and apreciation for the opportunity I have to be a mother and raise my boys. There is nothing I would rather be doing in my life than chacing after Cade and Jake! They bring Jon and I so much Joy and we thank the Lord every day for the blessings they are to us.

So to all my infertil sisters out there don't give up! If you truly want a family do what ever it takes to have one. No matter how they get here they will bring you more joy than you ever thought possible!!!!!!!!

ARE WE LOVED OR WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flowers and goodies from all of our neighbors and friends. We love you all so much!

Just received these flowers from my BFF Jayme and her mom Ellen. Thank you so much I love you both!

Can I just say Jon and I feel like the most loved people on earth right now! A guy came to the door yesterday with a bouquet of flowers from my aunt and all my cousins. I had already been crying and when I answered the door I just started to cry even harder. The poor kid didn't know what to say but told me to have a good day. I thought there it not one good thing about today! But look at all this good from all of our friends and family. I can't believe how many comments, e-mails, and phone calls we have received. It has been overwhelming to feel the love and concern you all have for us. I think some times we hesitate to be open about things we might be going through. It is hard to show weakness but I am so glad that I decided to let you all into our lives and see us how we really are. Life is full of trials for all of us and if we could just realize how much we can do for one another if we will just open up. I really and truly can not tell you how much it has helped to have your love and prayers. If I hadn't opened up I would be sitting here in my misery wondering........doesn't any one care? But instead I feel this outpouring of love and sympathy from so many people. Even some old high school friends who found my blog. 11 years ago all I could think about is graduating and moving on with life. Never did I imagine I would face such difficult trials. But you grow up and realize that life is more than just about you and you make sacrifices. Jon and I will do what it takes to bring another baby into our family. We don't know what this all means for us yet but we will figure out the reason for our failed IVF. We are just going to take some time away from baby and focus on the two miracles we already have.

I thought the tears would stop but some how they just keep on flowing. I had high hopes I would get up and put some make-up on but its raining and I can't stop crying so what the point. We will move on but for right now I think I need a little time to like my friend Missy said "let my heart ache". Jon and I are so sad but feel the love of our Savior and realize all of his suffering. This life was not meant to be easy. I want to share a quote that my cousin Summer put on her blog after loosing a twin at 8 weeks Preg.

“Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”


I read this over and over because it hits home with me. I know that we will be stronger because of this. Last night Jon and I were looking at the picture of our embryos and talking about how much hope we had that they would take. I mentioned how sad it was that they never took and he said "yes but they made us stronger"! I will hold on to that knowledge for the rest of my life. And take with me what they have given me..... a new understanding of how much my Heavenly Father Loves me.

Thanks again for all your love, we couldn't get through this with out all of you!!!! This will be my last post about our IVF. We have come so far from our first post. I want to start moving on and blog about my sweet family. Enough about me I want to focus on others for a while! My boys are so much fun right now and are doing lots of great things. So no more sad and depressing posts I promise. Love You all so much!

OUR WORST FEAR!

Well our worst fear was confirmed today. The Dr. office called to confirm the pregnancy did not work. I am finally calm enough to sit and let you all know. I am surprisingly doing okay. I still feel so much peace and know that the Lord is aware of what we are going through. It is hard to understand sometimes why things don't go the way we want or hope they would.....but I struggled for years to know what my purpose was and if I could not have children why was I here. I knew what my purpose was the second I held sweet little Cade and then again when we got our Jakie. I was meant to be here for them and I finally knew what my purpose was. Don't get me wrong this is so devastating for us but I have learned not to doubt the Lords plan for me. The road to have a family has not been easy for us but it has brought amazing blessings into our lives. All the hope and peace we have felt is real and I know that if we stay strong the Lord will bless us with more children. Thanks to all of you for your love, prayers and everything else you have done to help us believe. I still believe and refuse to give up! I love you all and I am grateful for each one of you and the blessing you are in our lives. To my sweet mom and dad who are gone I love you more than words can say. I am okay because you have taught not to ever give up and to always have hope and faith in the Lord and my savior. For that I am so grateful. You are always telling me how strong I am and it is because of the two of you! And to Carla and Merrill thanks for raising such a good man with so much faith, love, and compasion. I couldn't ask for a better husband. Thanks also for your love and prayers and helping us through this. At times like this we have to remember our blessings and just like Jon's blessing last night said "never give up hope". Sorry for such sad news......but thank you again for all you have done.

Lots of Love,

Jon and Kim

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW

Well tomorrow is the big day. The last two weeks feel like two years to me. I have mixed feelings tonight about what we might hear tomorrow. I have been bleeding a lot today and I feel that I might being loosing one or both babies. Of coarse it is hard to know what this all means because it could be anything. IVF is so hard on your body and I think my body has had enough. Jon gave me a wonderful blessing tonight. In it he told me not to give up hope and that I could feel peace. So as hard as it is I am going to hope my heart out until the end. The wonderful thing is....is that I do feel peace even through all my fears of the worst and doubts that it is going to work. I still feel there is a chance and I am trying to have faith. But I know that some how some way if the answer we get tomorrow is not good that I will get through it. I am just ready to know one way or the other and move on with my life. My boys need there mom back. As much as I would love another child I am so grateful for the two I have. I have come to realize more than ever before how truly blessed I am to be the mom of Cade and Jake. I have also realized that it is not the pregnancy I long for but the baby. If this doesn't work it is not the loss of what it would be like to be pregnant but the loss of what it would mean to have another child. In a lot of ways pregnancy is not that appealing to me! Don't get me wrong I think it is a beautiful and miraculous thing but also very hard. I would love the opportunity to carry our child but more than anything I just want a family. I pray with all my heart the Lord will bless us. I am sorry I have dragged all of you through this roller coaster but.....Honestly.........I couldn't have done it without you. You have lifted me up and given me the courage to get through this. And my sweet sweet hubby who has showed me so much love and compassion and has never let me think for one second it wouldn't work. I love him more now than ever and I am grateful to have him by my side. My poor mom and dad are in Hawaii. Which is great for them.... but I know they are dying to know the out come and praying there guts out it works. Both of our families have been amazing. I don't mean to sound like it is over because it's not I just wanted to let you all in on what has been going on so you can continue to pray for us. I need your prayers! It is hard to feel so vulnerable and helpless but I trust in the Lord and his plan for us. Our appointment is at 10:00 but they won't call us until later with the results. We will let you know as soon as we find out. I love you all and thank you again for all you have done for me!!! I am holding on to all the hope and faith I have left and still feel there is a good chance it will all be okay. I also want to tell my sweet friend and her husband who just went through this process and found out her embryos were no good and has also been hyperstimulted which is a condition caused by all the meds. It is not very common but it does happen to about 1% of women who do IVF. We are thinking and praying for you.

Thanks again to all of you for your support...we will talk to you soon.

Love Kim

JUST WANTED TO FILL YOU ALL IN

Well it is still a roller coaster ride. I started spotting yesterday morning and completely freaked out. I also had some cramping. Today a little more of the same thing. So I finally called the doctor and the nurse told me this is completely normal. So for all of you who are doing this (Lynette) and those who are thinking about it. Remember this is normal. Most women who do IVF will spot during this time. The nurse said it could even be a really good thing cause it could mean implantation is happening. I thought it was early to be starting but you just freak out about every thing at this point. The nurse also said that you most likely won't have a period until you stop the progesterone. Unless of coarse you are pregnant you won't start for about 12 more months. That's what we are shooting for. One more week to go.....we can do this! Just thought you would all like to know. If not sorry for all the info!

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

Hey everyone what a cute post Jon did of our embryos. He was so excited about all the comments we got. I think now he knows why I am a little addicted to this. Well I am feeling better than I have in three weeks. I feel completely recovered from all the procedures I have had done. The egg retrieval was the worst and left me feeling really crappy for about a week. But now it is all over with and other than the progesterone injections I am done! Now the waiting game.....it hasn't been too bad cause the boys keep me busy.....but I am sure the closer it gets the harder it will be. Technically I am three weeks pregnant right now since the embryos grew for 6 days out side of me. But unless you do IVF you don't know fertilization has even happened. So now all that has to happen is implantation. This is where the embryo finds a nice little home in your uterine lining and starts to multiply. It is about the size of a poppy seed.....is that amazing or what! We feel very hopeful and we are staying positive. This is our one shot. By growing to day 5 we lost the rest of the embryos and don't have any to freeze. We knew this was a possibility but wanted to give us the best possible chance. We were a little disappointed but knew we had made the right decision. But I just want to take a minute and thank everyone for the phone calls, e-mails, prayers, comments on the blog, for putting our name in the temple, fasting, all those who gave me the wonderful blessing, and all the sweet gifts to help me get through this time, and most of all helping with my sweet boys. It has been hard on them and it has brought much comfort knowing they have been loved and taken care of. What a roller coaster ride! But really I couldn't have done it without you. And to my sweet hubby who has been right by my side in all of this.....he is truly the best husband I could ask for and shows me so much love and sympathy for what I have had to endure. I could go on and on about how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that he does for me. Thanks hun I love you soooooooooooooo much!

Ginger bought the boys a whole bunch of stuff to keep them busy. Their favorite thing has been the slip and slide. It is nice to just go out and be able to sit and watch them and not have to entertain them. Thanks Ginger it was so nice of you! Cade's cousin and BFF Sidnee came over to join in the fun. They are little buddies.

My sweet neighbor who has also gone through IVF and had the cutest boy and girl twins brought me a bag of her favorite things. I thought it was so sweet of her to think of me. She is now pregnant again with another little girl without any fertility!

Then my little sis and Carla brought me flowers. They are starting to die now but I wanted to take a picture and thank them any way. They were beautiful and every time I looked at them I felt hope and peace.

So I just want to say thank you I couldn't have done it without all your help and well wishes. So now all we can do is pray for a miracle....we will let you know the news in a couple of weeks.

The Embryos!!!

I'm substituting for Kim today because she's a little loopy right now and may be too detailed in her description of the implant process. I don't want her to wake up tomorrow not knowing what she typed in her blog. Anyway it all went good and here's a picture of the Embryo's that were implanted today. The left one is little more advanced, but the Doctor said both looked very good. Now it's a waiting game for two weeks until we go back and get the Confirmation that KIM'S PREGNANT!!!

This is my first and last blog post; it's been nice chatting with everybody. Later!
Jon

DAY 6 TRANSFER

What a roller coaster ride this whole process has been. The Dr. Called this morning and said that all the embryos are still alive and....he said there were still 13 so I must have misunderstood him the first time thinking he said 11. Anyway that means all that were fertilized are still alive....which is amazing! There are three that have separated themselves from the rest and look the strongest. By going to day 6 they will be able to determine which two out of those three are the very best to transfer. We were all ready to go this morning and we were surprised by what they said.....but we feel that we need to trust there opinion....after all they are the experts. So tomorrow at 12:30 FOR SURE we will do the transfer. Sorry to drang you through this whole process but pretty exciting stuff goin on!

DAY 5 TRANSFER!

Well we got the phone call this morning that 11 embryos are still growing. So we have decided to grow them to day 5. This is really exciting news and we are so happy. Four out of the 11 look a little stronger than the rest so hopefully at least those four will make it to day 5 so we will have some to freeze. But all we really need is two. I just can't believe how well everything is going. We have definitely seen the Lords hand in all of this. From the timing to being able to go to day 5. This will give us a 70% chance of conceiving. Considering a normal couple only has a 15% chance each month to get pregnant we feel pretty good with our 70%. So now we just need to pray that they will continue to grow and that it will work!

EVEN MORE GOOD NEWS!

We just found out that 13 out of the 18 eggs successfully fertilized. Yippee! As of now we have 13 little embryos growing. We are so excited and are looking forward to the transfer either on Sun. or Tues. If the embryos can make it to Tuesday our chances of conceiving go up to 70%.....they call this the blastocyst stage. This would be best case scenario but a day three transfer has great success rates as well. We feel good about either one. So something phenomenal has happened in the last two days....Jon's sperm has met my egg! CRAZY!!!!! This has never happened before. What an amazing process this has been. Thanks again for all your prayers!

GOOD NEWS!

So today was the big day and we have some good news! When we got there Dr. Heiner told us that based on my last ultrasound from Tues. he should be able to retrieve around 9 eggs and that we could possibly find one more. Well to all of our surprise he found 9 more. Yep 18 eggs he found. What a miracle to have doubled my number in just a days time. We feel really good other than I am really sore. Can I just say I love being put out! I didn't want to wake up.....it was the most peaceful sleep I have had in a long time. Thanks mom for taking the boys over night and my sweet neighbor who brought us dinner. Heidi the soup was delicious and your desert is sinfully good. Carla also brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers tonight...it was so sweet of her to do that. Thanks Carla it meant a lot to me.

One sad thing about today is my sweet Cade had his preschool graduation and we missed it. But thanks to my mom and Carla we have pictures and video. He did such a good job and we are so proud of him. I will post some pics when we get them from Carla.

Just want to say thanks for all your prayers in our behalf we have felt them through this whole process. We had so many phone calls, e-mails and text messages this morning to wish us luck. We are so blessed to have such great support. Love you all!

Just one more thing......

Well I should be in bed but here I am checking my blog. Could this be an addiction? I think I just really need an outlet and this is it for me. Jon thinks I am crazy but yet he is the first to ask "do we have any comments"? I just want to say thanks for the comments it was so uplifting to read. I want to share a scripture that I came across about a month ago when we just started this whole process. I don't want to sound cheesy but it meant so much to me at a time when I really needed to know if we were doing the right thing. I have been reading Doctor and Covenants and just happened to come across this scripture on a day I really needed some reassurance. It is D&C 11:10-14. Look it up if you want. It brought me so much peace.
Crazy to think our little embryos start growing tomorrow. What usually happens inside the body when you get pregnant is happening for me just out side my body in a petree dish an hour away from where I will be. CRAZY! I am so amazed that it is even possible.

Don't get too excited!

Well I had to take a pregnancy test today and it was my very first positive pregnancy test I have ever had.....and I have taken a LOT! But don't get too excited it is just to make sure they gave me enough of the HCG hormone. So this is a good thing but it does not mean I am pregnant. Still it was an exciting thing to see that second line show up. Do you know how many times I have sat a starred at that stupid test praying my guts out it would be positive. So kinda funny just thought I would share this info with ya all. I think my ovaries are over taking my body. I can barley walk today....maybe that means I will have lots of good eggs. My sister showed up out of the blue this morning and took my kids for me...how nice is that. I won't get all mushy and tell her how much I love her and how nice it was that she did that for me....cause people might start thinking we are weired with how often we express our love for each other! But thanks sis it has been so nice to rest. Any way I will let you know how the egg retrieval goes. Thanks for all the phone calls and comments it is so uplifting!

Yep another Dr. apt.

I have gone to the clinic six days in a row now and I am excited to have a break. It looks like they are going to do the egg retrieval on Thurs. Which means I get tomorrow off. YIPPEE!!!! I was a little disappointed when I went in this morning and had my ultrasound. My uterine lining was still a little thin. They like it to be at least 6.5 and mine was 6.4. The Dr. seemed surprised and a little concerned so it upset me. I held it together until I left and then cried the whole way home. My friend Lynette who has also adopted two boys is doing IVF the week after us at the same clinic. (not planned just a coincidence) Any way she was in the waiting room when I walked out and we just gave each other a big hug and cried. It is so nice to have her to talk to and work things out. Unless you have gone through it it is hard to really comprehend how difficult it is emotionally. All we want is a family. We have devoted so much of our lives to bringing children into our home. Even though it has not been easy the Lord has blessed us to be in the right place at the right time. I feel that this is the right time for us to be doing IVF. I still feel peace and know that we have done our part and the rest is up to the Lord. Like Jon said in the blessing he gave me Miracles happen every day. Just so you know the uterine lining is what the egg adheres to so it is very important that it is nice and thick. I will probably just have to take it really easy after the embryo transfer and stay on bed rest for a couple of days. This whole experience has defiantly tested my faith. I just need to rely on the confirmation we had that this is the right thing. So I guess pray for my uterine lining that the darn thing can thicken up. And wish me luck!


I also just want to take a minute and tell my grandma how much I love her. She went out of her way to call tonight to wish us luck and let us know that we are in her prayers. I love my Grandma so much and hope that I can be just like her. She is so loving and is always taking care of everyone else. I have the sweetest memories of playing cards, singing songs, feeding the gold fish and catching grass hoppers with her. She has always been such a great example to me and has taught me the importance of being domestic and finding joy in it. She loves to bake and make things for other people and always has a cookie for the kids. My boys love her! She is such a wonderful person and I feel so blessed to have her as my Grandma. Thanks for all you do Grandma and for thinking of us. Your phone call meant so much to me. I love you!

Another Dr. Apt.

Well we went to the Dr. again this morning and it looks like we will be doing the egg retrieval on Thurs. WOW I can not believe it is really here. The folicles are good size but he wants me to go one more day to see if my hormone levels will rise a little more. So tomarrow night I will do what they call the TRIGGER shot. It is HCG which is the pregnancy hormone. This will finalize the egg growth. EXACTLY 35 hrs. after that shot is when they will retrieve the eggs. This is kind of a painful process so they will put me completely under.....which I am grateful for! They will also collect a sample from Jon that day....fun for him! (poor guy) After the eggs are out they put them in a solution that imitates the solution they were in and put them in a dark warm place so they can adapt to there new enviorment. After a few hours they will fertilize them. We are doing what they call ICSI where they actually inject the sperm into the egg to ensure fertilization. It is all so amazing to me. Then they will let the eggs harvest in a dish until they become an embryo and are ready to be implanted into my uterus. This takes aprx. 3-5 days. So the egg is fertilized all it has to do is implant. Not too hard you would think but it can be a tricky thing. We feel very optimistic and have faith that it will work.
Jon, my dad, brother and brother-in-laws all gave me a blessing last night and it was such a neat experience. I wanted a blessing that my body could work properly and that it would accept the embryo. It brought me such peace and reassurance that we are doing the right thing. It also let me know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my situation. The spirit was so strong! I am so grateful for the priesthood and for the wonderful men in my life who are worthy and willing to give me a blessing. I love them all so much. We also had a family fast yesterday. I just want our families to know how much it meant to us that they would fast in our behalf. I don't know how we would get through this with out them. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the love and support we have been given from our family and friends. All of you have made this bearable. Now we are here can you believe it. Jon and I were talking and I have been doing my shots now for 25 days. It is hard to believe we have made it this far. I am a stronger person than I thought I was and even though it has been so hard at the same time it has not been as hard as I thought. The Lord has defiantly blessed us with the help we have needed. After tomorrow night no more shots in my belly. I can't tell you how happy that makes me! Well I will let you know how the egg retrieval goes. Pray I have some good eggs!