Kim's Family Blog

LIA TURNS TWO!!!!

2011-06-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

I really can not believe that our little Lia turned two a couple of days ago. The last few days I have been watching her and I can't believe how big she is all of the sudden. She is talking a ton and is becoming her own little person. Sometimes I wonder what I have done to be so blessed. Lia has brought so much joy into all of our lives. Even the boys can't get enough of her. She really has the sweetest most loving personality and everyone who knows her loves her to pieces. People stop me everywhere I go and tell me what a cute little girl she is. Having a daughter has been so much fun. I LOVED buying her little baby dolls and barbies for her birthday. She is the cutest little mommy and LOVES to play with all of her dolls. It is so fun to see her with her brothers too. Cade and Lia are little buddies and love each other so much. Jake on the other hand just likes to make her scream :) It is funny how they like to pester their younger sibling. I look back at all that we went through before Lia and I am so humbled to know that Lia was the little person waiting to come to our family. I want her to stay little forever!!! I wish I could freez her right where she is and have more time to enjoy this stage of her life. I am not sure what life would be like without Lia and I am grateful everyday that she came to our family. Mom and Dad Love you so much Lia!!! Happy Birthday sweet girl!!!!

Our Life.......

2011-06-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have blogged about anything but I am feeling the need to write down some of my thoughts. Life has been so busy for us lately and I feel like I need to take the time to slow down every now and then and record where we are at in our lives. A couple of weeks ago Jon was called into the Stake Presidents office. Our stake just split so he was pretty nervous about what it might be. He had talked himself out of thinking it was anything big but I knew it was going to be a big calling. I was right he was called to be the Young Men's Stake President......WHAT????? Yep that is right the STAKE Young Men's President. Jon just about fell off his chair and was completely shocked by it. He has had a few weeks to let it settle and even though we are both really overwhelmed by it we are getting use to the idea. He has been so busy with work and now with this calling I feel like he is going to be gone even more. I am realizing more and more why I felt so strong about quiting work. As much as I miss doing hair and seeing my friends Jon has needed me to hold down the fort. He is so good to me and even though he is so busy he still finds the time to help me around the house and takes time to spend with the kids. He is so amazing and I am so lucky to be his wife. I know there are great blessings that come from serving the Lord and I know this will be a good thing for us as a family. I know that we will learn and grow through this experience. Life is really good for us right now and we are enjoying every second of the summer. It has been hard to have the boys home because they fight all of the time but we are doing better than I thought we would. We got Cherry Hill passes this year with the Murdocks and we are having a great time playing in the sun. We are also in the middle of pouring LOTS of cement. We are pouring a RV pad, basket ball court, new patio and a pad for a shed. Jon won sales rep of the year and got a nice bonus so we are spending it on cement :) It looks so nice and we are excited to have it all done. Jon is also looking for a new job. He wants to stay in the same field but would like to find another company to work for. We are hoping something comes along soon. As for me I am just loving being a mom. Even though it is the hardest most challenging thing I have ever done I love every second I get to spend with my kids. They are growing up way too fast and I don't want to waste one second. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom and I am grateful everyday for my three sweet, amazing kids. I feel so blessed to have them and I pray I can be the best mom possible!!!

SUMMER FUN!!!

2010-09-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

We have had such a fun summer and I am so sad to see it come to an end. With Lia being a little older this year we tried to do as much camping as possible. We love our trailer and have so much fun spending time together as a family. For those of you who know me well you know how much I love to be on the go. I LOVE doing things as a family and I especially LOVE vacations. I wish every day could be a vacation and that Jon could retire and stay home with us all the time. Of coarse this is not reality so I enjoy every second of our time together!!! I am having kind of a mid life crises I guess you could say. I feel life is going by faster and faster the older I get and I hate it. I want to freeze my life, my kids, my marriage, my youth right where it is. So much of this life is filled with trials and struggles and I feel that my life could not be more perfect than it is right now. Jon and I are more in love now than ever and our kids for the most part are so much fun. My little Lia could not be cuter and I am enjoying every second of her sweet life. Cade and Jake are a little difficult cause they fight so much but they are also so much fun. I don't mind getting older cause life just gets better and better but I am not ready for it to pass me by and that is what I feel is happening. I guess all you can do is cherish every moment and I feel like I do!!!

So many things on my mind...it is time to blog!!!

2010-07-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there has been a lot on my mind lately that I have wanted to blog about so here I am with a free moment!!!! :)

First of all Lia turned ONE which is really hard for me to believe!!!

This past year has been filled with nothing but BLISS with the addition of Lia. She has been the best baby and my little piece of sanity. Somehow the boys fighting, complaining, tearing the house apart and throwing fits all seems to dissapear as I hold and rock my sweet Lia. I know some day she will be part of all that but for right now she is perfect in every way!!! She has brought a sweet spirit into our home and I am grateful every day that I get to be her mommy!!!

In celebration of Lia turning one we had her Birth Mother Amanda over to our home. It was so good to see her again and she looked so happy and content with where he life is going. I still don't know how she had the strength to do what she did but we are so grateful for the miracle she has given our family. We have decided this will be the last time we will see Amanda and there is a lot of relief and sadness that comes with that. Sad cause I love her so much but relief knowing we are moving on. It is a pretty big responsility to keep all of our Birth Families involved in our kids' lives. I was already spent before Lia and didn't think I had what it took to take care of another Birth Family. Lia's situation has not been easy but here I am a year later and it has been an amazing experience.

We recently took the boys to see the play Annie Get Your Gun at RMT in Centerville. The reason we went was because Jake's Birth Mother's Brother Brian was in it. After the play we went up to say hi and he was so excited to see Jake. After talking for a minute we decided to go to his parents house and see Brittany (Jake's Birth Mother) and her parents. This was very last minute and not planned at all and the whole way there we were wondering what the heck we were doing. It ended up being such a wonderful night and it was so good to see all of them again. We have not seen them since Jake turned one so it has been a while. Brittany was as cute as ever and her and her family were so kind and respectful. As wonderful as it was to see them it opened a WHOLE can of worms with Cade. He was asking when he was going to be able to see his Birth Mother. I think it has been confusing for him this past year and all that we have been through with Lia's Birth Mother and now we were seeing Jake's Birth Mother. I spent the next day answereing questions and trying to put his mind at ease. My heart broke as tried to explain to my sweet boy how much I love him and that no one loves him more than I do. His reply was "my Birth Mother Loves me too".

He is so right his Birth Mother does love him but it is not possible for her to love him as much as I do. I am the one who has gotten up with him durring the night, watched him take his first steps, rushed him to the hospital to have stitches, wiped his bum, wiped his tears, sent him to school, taught him to ride a bike, put up with all his crap :), prayed for him, cried for him. the list goes on and on. For a moment it didn't seem fair that I would have to share my title of Mother with anyone else. I felt overwhelmed and upset that I had to deal with any of this. I have tried to prepare myself but I think it is impossible. Being a Mother is hard enough with out this huge resposibility of telling my kids of where they came from and why, especially when I don't feel they are any less mine than if I had given birth to them myself. At that moment I wished for that. I wished it had of been possible for me to bring my sweet kids into the world, to see them before they were born, to feel them move in my belly, to see them take their first breath, to cuddle them moments after Birth. Instead I have had to sit at home and wait paitently for a phone call or for a date of when placement will be, instead I have to explain to my kids why they didn't grow in my belly. For a minute I was bitter and wondered why this was bothering me so much. I have never once questioned that this was Gods plan for our family, I know my kids were always meant to be ours but all of the sudden I felt sad that I had to share them. I spent the day thinking about each of our kids and how we have been prepared to be in the right place at the right time for them to come into our lives. I couldn't help but think about all the amazing things i have been able to experience.....Holding my babies for the first time knowing how much I longed for them to be mine, the spirit I felt as their Birth Mothers lovingly placed them in my arms, the relationship I have had with these amazing women, the amazing love and gratitude I feel for each of my kids, taking our kids to the temple and being sealed to them, the tender, sweet moments spent talking to my kids about their Birth Mothers, and most of all the joy of being a MOTHER!!!! All though this journey is not easy each of these women have given us something we could not give ourselves, the blessing of an eternal family. After crying for a few hours my sadness was replaced with peace. I know my kids know how much I love them and that I will always be their Mother (the one who loves them the most). The easy thing would be not to tell them anything at all or to tell them all the things that would be harder about their life if their Birth Mother didn't place. But I love them too much. I am their Mother and it is my responsibilty to comfort them and help them know how much I love them and that "their Birth Mother loves them too"!!!! :) This is an easy thing to do, especially because I love their Birth Mothers so much. I feel blessed to have answers for my kids and that I can tell them from experience how hard it was for their Birth Mothers to place because I was there. In the end all I want is for my kids to know how much they are loved. It would break my heart into a million pieces if they ever thought other wise!!! Boy do I love my kiddos!!!!

I feel like the luckiest girl alive to be blessed with such amazing experiences in my life. My kids give my life meaning and purpose and I would go through it all again if it meant having my Cade, Jake and Lia!!!! It is a sad thing knowing you are done having kids. I have cherished every second of Lia's life knowing she is our last. Usually at this point we would be filling out paper work or planning to do IVF. It is a little strange after 10 years of trying to get kids here we don't have to worry about that anymore. It is a GREAT feeling. Jon and I will continue to send letters and pictures on Birthdays to our Birth Families but now that Lia is one we are moving forward. It is a great feeling to know that I have done all I can do for each of them. I have shared so much of our lives with them and a lot of times put them before myself. I will never regret all that I have done for them and I have been happy to do it. It has been important to me to see them heal and move forward with thier lives. We will always be grateful for what they have given us and who knows maybe someday our kids will want to meet them. But now we just get to be a family! Now I can focus on being the best mom possible to my kids and just ENJOY!!!! :)

Lia's is part of our Eternal Family!

2010-02-19T12:21:00.001-08:00

Well I am not doing a very good job so far of keeping up on my blog but here is an update!!!

On the 16th of January we took our sweet little Lia to the Temple. Our day started out by going to Jon's cousin Laura's babies funeral. She lost her baby at 34 weeks and it was devastating. I can not tell you how much my heart ached for her and her sweet family when we heard the news. It was such a sweet funeral and I couldn't help but feel so grateful for the plan of salvation and that we can see our loved ones again. It gave me even more of an appreciation for being able to have Lia sealed to us. We left the funeral with heavy hearts but as we neared the Temple my heart was overflowing with JOY and EXCITEMENT for what was going to happen for our family. Temple workers were there waiting for us and they even let us take the kids to the cafeteria to get something to eat firs. As we walked trhoug the temple I kept telling the boys to look around and soak in everything they see. They were intrigued by all of it and were on their best behavior. After and quick lunch we dropped the kids off at the nursery and Jon and I went to do all of the paper work. After all of that was done we went to get ready. My mom was able to come with me to the brides room again and help me get ready. We chose the Bountiful Temple this time and it was BEAUTIFUL. It was so special to have my mom there with me one last time. Jon and I sat and waited in the celestial room and as we sat there Jon grabbed my hand and said "well Hun we made it"! It was overwhelming to think of all we had been through to get these sweet kids here and now we were in the temple having our last child sealed to us. It was an amazing feeling of accomplishment and gratitude. We both got tears in our eyes and we could not wait to see our kids all dressed in white. After a few minutes a worker came and got us and we went to the sealing room. It was so neat to walk in and see so many of our family and friends there to support us. Our sealer was amazing and told us how much he admired us for what we were about to do for Lia, and that with all the tragedy in Haiti right now he couldn't help think of how what was happening today was what Heavenly Father wanted for all of his children. Then it was time for the kiddos to come in. First walked in Jake and he had the cutest look on his face. Both him and Cade ran over to us and climbed up ON our laps. Then they brought in Lia and I could not hold it in any longer. The flood gates opened and I started to sob! I just held her and cried, it was all I could do. We chose my mom to hold Lia at the alter which was such a special thing for me. As we knelt at the altar and Lia was sealed to us my heart was full of so much joy!!! I think I even cried out load which is not cute but it was how I felt at that moment. Cade and Jake stood and watched as there baby sister became part of our Eternal family. Lia was so good throgh the whole thing and didn't make a sound. She just kept looking around at everyone. It really was the best moment of our lives! Life can be so hard but every now and then Heavenly Father gives us something really special to make it all worth it. This was it for us. Having Lia as our daughter is the greatest miracle we could have ever hoped for. After our IVF we had no idea what to do but we never gave up hope and because of that we were blessed. It was a day we will never forget and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has made this all possible!!!!!

Time to start blogging again!!!!

2010-01-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

Okay so here is the deal. I really need to start blogging again. I love to keep a journal and lately I have not been very good at it. I realized today that blogging really helped me stay on top of my journaling. I think it helps to know that someone else just might want to read what I write. It gives me a little more motivation to do it. AND the fact that I can print it as well......even better. So here is to a new year of blogging/Journaling!!!!!!

So I am going to start my new years resolution by blogging about our awesome day today!!! Today we got to take our sweet little Lia to court and finalize her adoption. I am posting this more as a memory for me but hopefully you will all enjoy reading about our fun day. Lia has been so sick the past few weeks and I was worried thinking about our big day today knowing how miserable she has been. Last night Jon and our neighbor gave her a sweet blessing and I prayed that she would wake up a happier baby today. Last night didn't go so well but today she was awesome. A blessing, antibiotics and LOTS of ibuprofen helped a lot. She was as happy as she could be and perfect through the whole thing. We finalized at the Farmington court house with Judge Alfen. We had an attorney this time which was really nice cause he did all the work and we just answered his questions. The boys for the most part were on their best behavior and were intrigued by the whole thing. Lia sat on my lap and sucked on my hand and slobbered all over, completely unaware this whole day was for her. It was emotional for us and even our attorney got a little choked up when he asked the boys how they felt about their baby sister. The Judge was awesome and treated us like family and told us how lucky Lia was to be going to such a great family. Really we are the lucky ones to have such a sweet daughter. He also knew my dad which was kind of fun. We had lots of our family there which was so neat. It really is something we have been looking forward to for the past 6 months. Now that we have finalized the adoption we get to take our sweet Lia to the temple and have her sealed to us for eternity. THIS is the best part about adoption. I can't even let myself think about it without getting emotional. I could have only dreamt about this. When we decided to do IVF this was one thing I was sad we would not be able to do. It is so amazing to look back now at all that we went through to get Lia here and now she is going to be ours forever!!!! My heart is so full and I am going to leave it at that before I start to cry. Today was such a great day and I can not wait until Sat!!!!!

Horray an update!!!!

2009-10-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

Lia is getting so big and is as cute as ever. I LOVE having a girl but it is a lot of pressure to keep her looking cute all the time. Most the time you will find us in our PJ's but every now and then we look cute. Lia is the cutest baby ever and is so much fun right now. The boys are doing great too other than Jake fell out of bed Sun. night at midnight and I had to take him to the ER to have his head glued back together. Thank goodness my mom works there!!! Life is good for our family and we are so excited to share the Holidays with our little Lia. It is a dream come true for us to have her here this Christmas!!! I couldn't wish for anything more, I have all I ever wanted!!! The boys love playing with Lia and she loves them so much!!

The kids had so much fun picking out pumpkins and riding on the hay ride. They even picked out a cute Little pumpkin for Lia. Lia LOVES to sit with Cade and watch cartoons. Cade is such a good big brother and helps me so much with Lia. I LOVE this girl so much. She has been the sweetest baby and is even sleeping for 10hrs a night!!! I think she is so beautiful and LOVE dressing her!! She is such a little miracle and there is not a day that goes by that I am not SOOOO grateful to have her!!!!

MOST AMAZING GIFT EVER!!!!

2009-07-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

This has got to be the coolest thing that has ever happened to me. My friend Heidi nominated me for Hailey Miller's give back. Haily is a VERY talented photographer who has done pictures for me in the past. She is giving back to those who have supported her over the years by giving one free photo shoot a month with edited pictures and CD included. It is over a $300.00 gift. Any way Heidi e-mailed her our story and we WON!!! When they called to tell me I had to sit down I was so stinkin excited. With the cost of Lia we are DIRT poor so this is something I would not have been able to do. I am THRILLED with the pictures and so happy that Hailey was able to capture what a miracle this is to our family. I will cherish these pictures for life!!! We will be on her Blog for the August give if you want to check it out at capturesphoto.squarespace.com

LOVE THIS GIRL!!!

2009-07-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

We had Amanda over today for a visit with Lia. We had agreed to have her over at one month and we were very excited to see her again. All she asked was to see her at a month and one year, we were more than happy to give that to her. She looked amazing and it was a sweet thing to have her in our home. She stayed for about three hours and it went by so fast. We talked about everything and really had such a sweet spiritual experience with her. We could tell seeing Lia again brought her a lot of peace. Placement day was such a hard day with so many emotions, it was nice to have a more laid back happy day to remember. I just think the world of this girl and can not say enough good things about her. She is starting school in the fall and is enjoying spending time with her kids. Her life has been so hard and I feel so bad for all she has had to go through but we know that the Lord will bless her and her sweet family. She had us listen to these songs today. We both just cried. Anyone who has followed our story or gone through this experience with us knows how hard it has been, BUT also knows the amazing blessings that have come from it. This first song makes me think of each of our birth mothers and what they have done for us and it makes my heart swell with gratitude. They mean so much to us and we are grateful every day the Lord led them to us. I can not express with words how blessed I feel to have these sweet kids call me mom. The journey of Adoption has been the most amazing journey I could have ever asked for and I am so glad Heavenly Father trusted us enough to put us on this path. It is the most humbling experience to sit next to a sweet Birth Mother as she holds your baby and expresses gratitude for you. Amanda is just as grateful for us as we are for her which has made this experience so sweet. My heart is whole again and it feels so good! Every time I look at my sweet little Lia I feel so much peace, love and gratitude!!!!

Lia 2 Weeks

2009-07-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

Here is our sweet little Lia at 2 weeks old. I feel sad that I missed out on those first 12 days of her life but we are making up for lost time. Jon had some time off so I have been able to just love on her as much as possible. She is the best baby and hardly ever cries. I love this face she is making. Her eyes look dark but they look like they are going to be blue. This out fit is newborn and the pants still drowned her. I have had so much fun dressing her every day. I thought my boys were fun to dress but this even more fun!!! She makes the cutest faces and we love it when she smiles. She is a peaceful happy baby and we love her so much!! I am in HEAVEN with this sweet baby girl of mine!!!

More pictures of Lia

2009-07-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

Jon and I have been through so much together to get thees sweet children here. I am so grateful I have had him right by my side through this journey. We feel so blessed and feel we have accomplished the impossible. Three kids is more than we could have ever hoped for.

I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed my life! It has not been an easy road but it has been one filled with tender mercys and wonderful blessings!!!

Our parents have done so much for us. We are so lucky to have the most amazing parents two kids could ask for. There faith, love and encouragement has carried us through this journey. THANKS Mom, Dad, Carla and Merrill for your love and support!!!! I just have to say thanks to all of you who have been praying for us and Amanda. We know that the prayers and faith of others can get us through our darkest hours.

OUR LITTLE LIA IS HOME!!!!

2009-07-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

WOW, what an emotional, heartrenching, joyful day for our family. Every thing went so well and we are so glad to finally have Lia home with us.

This is Amanda, words can not express our love, admiration, and pure gratitude for this amazing woman who has given us the most incredible gift. Amanda has shown so much faith and strength through this whole process. She is the most amazing person I have ever known and we love her so much.

A LITTLE UPDATE

2009-07-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give a little update on how things are going. I talked to Amanda again today and she is doing amazingly well. We laughed at how this has been the longest week of our lives and the shortest of hers. I LOVE how open and honest we are with each other. She has been so good to us and has reassured us several times this week that she is strong in her decision. She said again today "I hope your still feeling okay because I am"! I mean really how on earth does she have the strength to reassure me when I know it has been so hard for her. Words can not describe the love I feel for Amanda. She has made some bad choices but underneath all that is the most amazing, beautiful, strong, faithful, courageous person I have ever known. I have seen first hand how hard this is for her and yet she is handling it with so much faith and courage. Jon and I know with out a doubt the Lord will bless her for her sacrifice. I want little Lia to always know how much Amanda loved her. I am so grateful for this little miracle that will be in my arms in just a few short days. I feel such a bond and connection with her. I LOVE my boys and just like there is something special between me and the boys there is something amazing between me and her. My only wish is that I could give her a sister but I am not even going to got there!!!! I am so excited to have a little shopping partner. Our family is complete and my heart is so full. Any way I will post pictures on Monday when we get home. Please pray for Amanda, these last few days will be the hardest!!!!

BABY LIA IS HERE!!!!

2009-06-29T13:45:00.001-07:00

Well our little Lia came into the world a little sooner than we expected. Amanda (Lia's birth mother) went into the Dr. for a routine check up on Wed. June 24th and was sent right to Davis Hospital for a C-section. She had been having contractions and they were putting a lot of pressure on her incision from her last C-section. Any way the Dr. was worried it might tear so he wanted to take her asap. We were not able to be there but she weighed 6lbs. 8oz. and was 18 inches long. We were a little sad we weren't able to see her be born but we were just glad to hear she was doing okay. She was taken off her ventilator that night and her feeding tube the next day. We got to go see her on Sat. night in the NICU. It was so nice of Amanda to let us see her and be with her in the hospital. Even if it was only for a few minutes. I couldn't help but just cry. It is so incredible to see your baby for the first time. I fell in love with her in that instant and knew she was meant to be our little girl. My heart was full of joy but it also ached as we could tell it was hard for Amanda to see us with her. It also ached because I knew I would not be able to take her home with me. So we held her kissed her and said good bye not knowing when we would get to bring our sweet baby girl home.
Our camera was not working very well so these are bad pictures. I think she is the cutest thing I have ever seen. She only weighs 5lbs. 13oz. now and is the most perfect little thing you have ever seen. Her head is bruised from her IV but other than that she is perfect and beautiful in every way!!! You would think by looking at the picture of me that I just gave birth!!! But nope just emotionally exhausted!!! I Love this little girl and I have only spent 30 minutes with her. Amanda called yesterday to let us know they were both being discharged, which was a miracle considering Lia was 34 weeks 5 day gestation. We were so happy they would be able to leave together. Amanda also informed us she will be taking her home for a WEEK!!! I know what you are thinking, trust me I have been freaking out. Of course I did the only thing I could do....I told her that would be fine and that we supported her decision. Then I got off the phone and cried and cried and cried!!! Amanda had a lot of complications in the hospital and had to have surgery to stop some internal bleeding. She hardly got to spend any time with Lia so now she wants to take her home to have that time with her. What can I say to that. I understand but at the same time it is so hard. My heart is telling me everything is going to be okay but my head is making me freak out. For those of you who get to take your babies home with no strings attached you really don't know how lucky you are. I would give anything to be holding her right now but God has given me a different purpose, and that is to be here for a grieving Birth Mother as she prepares herself to do the hardest thing she will ever do in her life. I truly did not think I had it in me to do this again that is why we did IVF. I have done this twice before and this has by far been the hardest situation yet. I have had to dig deeper than ever before to have faith in Heavenly Fathers plan. Jon and I have both had confirmations that she is ours but it is the hardest thing to rely on someone else to make the right choice. I know our Father in Heaven will help her through this time and that this time next week we will bringing home our bundle of joy. Until then I sit and wait and go absolutely CRAZY!!! I miss her and can't wait to share with her all this love I have for her. Amanda is amazing and we are in awe of her strength and her courage. She needs lots of prayers so remember her when you kneel to pray. Sorry it has taken so long but I wanted to know for sure when she would be here before I posted anything. I know it will all be worth it in the end!!!!! I look at my boys and know with out a doubt I would go through it all again if it meant having them. I feel the same way about Lia, I know she will be worth it!!!

Lia's Baby Shower

2009-06-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-laws wanted to give me a shower, since I have two boys and need LOTS of girls stuff I was so excited! . I got so many cute girl things, I couldn't believe it. So many people came to support me and it was so nice of them.

I love this picture of me, my grandma, mom, aunt, nieces, and cousins. My Aunt has 5 daughters and they have been more like sisters to me than cousins. Kassi (second over on the left) is my same age. She is having a little girl in September. How fun to have our girls so close together.

I Love my sweet mom! She is my rock and I am so grateful for her strong faith. I am so grateful to have such sweet loving sister-in -laws and mother-in-law. I think it is rare to have in-laws that you love as much as your own family. They do so much for me and have shown me so much love and support through this whole process of getting our family here. They were so excited to throw me this shower. I am truley blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people!!

ULTRA SOUND PICTURES OF LIA

2009-06-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

So here she is, the sweet little girl that is going to be joining our family in just over 4 weeks. Her Birth Mother was kind enough to give us these pictures. They are from a couple of months ago but it is so fun to have a picture to look at. Since I am not carrying her it is hard to feel like it is real and having these pictures to look at every day will help it seem more real to us. I just cried when I saw this first one of her sweet little profile. She had it in a cute frame for me and it is now sitting on my desk. We just love her so much already!!! I also love the picture of her cute little feet and bum. She has her legs bent and her feet resting on her bum. Are those the cutest little toes or what? We are counting down the weeks until our little Lia gets here. I still have so much to do so I am sure it will go by fast. I have a shower next week and I am so excited for it. Girls really are so much fun!!!

Things are going really good with her Birth Mother. She is a sweet heart and we love her so much. She is still on bed rest but doing really well. She will be 32 weeks this Fri. and they are going to deliver her at 36 weeks. Lia is measuring really big so they are going to take her early as long as her lungs are developed. They will be doing a amniocenteses to make sure and if things look good she will go in for her C-Section. We are so excited to hold her and kiss her sweet face!!!

LIA'S DR. APT.

2009-05-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

We got to see our sweet little Lia for the first time yesterday. It was so neat to see her and hear her heart beat, it made it feel even more real. The Birth Mother had to do a test for gestational diabetes and it and came back normal, which was great news. They are still concerned about her delivering early but she is now in the "safe zone" at 30 weeks. We were relieved to see first had that everything is okay and that she is doing good. They are hoping to get her to 37 weeks and then they will deliver the baby C-section. So at most we have 7 weeks until our little miracle is here. Is that just CRAZY!!! Two weeks ago there was not a spec of pink in our home and now that is all you see. I am trying to control myself cause I have two showers that my friends and family are giving me. It is so nice of them cause we have a LOT to buy. It is like starting all over again and it is so much fun. Jon and I feel so good about everything and have complete confidence the Birth Mom will place. She brought me a gift to the apt. yesterday. She gave me two little dresses and a pair of the cutest flip flops you have ever seen! She also gave us a sweet card expressing her gratitude for us and giving this baby girl a good home. She is heaven sent and we just love her. She is in a hard situation and has three children under 4. She knows that she can't give her baby the life she deserves and loves her enough to give her more. It is truely the most courageous, unselfish thing a person could do. She is on full bed rest until the baby is born which I'm sure is so hard with three small children. She is amazing and we just pray the Lord will watch over them. We will be going to her apt. with her in two weeks, so I will update you on her progress. In the main time keep her in your prayers!!!

THE FULL STORY......

2009-05-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

So I just wanted to share the full story of what has happened. 2 1/2 weeks ago we got a phone call from our case worker asking us if we were okay to be shown to a birth mother who was in the hospital with pre-term labor at 27 weeks. They knew there was a good possibility the baby would be born early and they just wanted to make sure we were okay with a preemie. We with out hesitation said YES!! We knew we would just be one in many profiles she was looking at but we took the opportunity that Sun. to fast and pray for her and her sweet baby. We got a phone call the next day that she wanted to meet with us. They also let us know we were the only couple they were meeting with. The Birth Mother said she felt a strong connection with us but wanted to meet us first to see if that connection was real before she selected us. We were so excited to meet her and the birth father and felt that it would only confirm their feelings. It was an amazing moment walking into that room. We all hugged and the spirit filled the room as we began talking and getting to know each other better. She told us how her and the birth father took the files home separate and both with out knowing who the other had chosen chose the same file. They then took the files home to their families not telling them who they had chosen and each of their families chose the same profile.....which was ours. It was just another confirmation to all of us that this was meant to be and that the Lord had his had in what was happening. We cried and shared our lives with each other. Before we knew it it was time to go. I just started to cry as we left and called our parents to tell them how well it went. Our parents cried with us. We knew that this was our baby girl and we knew they knew it as well. The next day we received an e-mail from the Birth Father asking us to call the Birth Mother. I hurried and picked up the phone and called. She wished me a happy mothers day and went on to tell me that they had chosen us. She expressed how she knew from the day she found out that she was pregnant the baby wasn't meant to be hers, and how she has been in so much turmoil with how to place her for adoption. She has three other children who are under 4 and is not in a position to take on another. She said that when she found our profile and for sure when she met us that this was her answerer. She expressed how happy she was and that she finally felt peace with her situation. She then invited us to her appointments and the birth and told me she wanted us to be as involved as we wanted to be. It really is a dream come true for us. We are going to her Dr. apt tomorrow and we will be able to hear her heart beat and see our sweet baby girl for the first time. I have been on cloud nine ever since. It is like breathing new air!!!!! When our IVF failed a piece of my heart was lost. I was so sad and wondered why I had to endure such a heartbreaking trial. The past year has been so hard for me. I love my life and my amazing family, I am so blessed. But I just felt a piece of me was missing. A couple of months ago I finally came to a place where I was able to let that pain go and know I had done all I could and the rest was up to the Lord. I came to accept the whole in my heart and was okay that it would not be filled until our next child came. I knew the Lord would bless us with another child I just didn't know how or when. I started living my life again....I signed up for two bike rides, planned on getting Lagoon passes and having a fun summer with the boys, and was looking forward to all of our family get aways. I had the summer planned out!!! Little did I know this miracle would come along. So this summer will be even better than I thought. The boys are so excited to have a little sister and we are ecstatic to have a daughter. She is the final piece to our puzzle. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to know we are DONE!!!! She is the icing on the already perfect cake! I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who knows what we need to learn and grow and if we but endure will send us amazing blessings. My heart is so full I have a hard time finding words. I just want all of you to know how grateful we are to have such amazing family and friends. Your prayers are what have helped us receive this blessing. And to my sweet husband who has spent countless nights consoling me and never letting me give up hope, I love you!!!! We are going to name her Lia Diane, after my mom. My mom has cried all my tears with me, so it means a lot to me to be able to name my daughter after her. I hope that this can give others in our situation hope. Miracles do happen. I wonder sometimes what I have done to be so blessed. All I know is that Jon and I have done what ever it has taken to get our family here. It has not been easy but it has been worth everything we have sacraficed to have these sweet children in our home. I would do it ALL over again. The Lord loves us and has a plan for us all!!!!!!!

Any way this is a long post and more for me as a memory, but I thought I would share. I will let you know how the Dr. apt goes!!! Never done that before, it should be neat!!!

A BABY GIRL!!!!!!

2009-05-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to inform all of you that we are getting a baby girl!!!! We have been chosen through LDS family services for a third time!!! We are still in shock that this is even happening. I never thought in a million years we would be chosen again since we already have two. When our IVF didn't work we put our papers in because it was the only option we had left. It has only been in the last few months that I have felt hope in adoption and now I know why!! We have met the birth parents and they are awesome. We met them last Sat. and she called me on Sun. (mothers day) to tell us they had chosen US. It was the most precious Mothers Day gift ever. We are so excited to have a little girl around our home and feel so blessed to have this miracle of another child. She is the missing piece to our family and we can not wait to meet her. She is due July 31st but the Birth Mother has had some pre-term labor. We are praying she can make it as long as possible. She has invited us to the birth and we are so excited about it. It will be so neat to see one of our children come into this world. Words can not express how blessed we feel right now. Thanks to all of you for your love and prayers and for putting a link to our adoption web site on your blogs. You have all been a huge part in this process and we are grateful for your support through all of this. We LOVE you all!!!!!

MY 30th BIRTHDAY!!!!

2009-04-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

Well it is official I am now 30!!! It was the best Birthday ever and I will never forget it!!

The boys surprised me by giving me a necklace and they took me to lunch and bowling. It was such a fun day. Later that night Jon took me to dinner at Corbin's. It was so yummy. After we were suppose to go to a movie but got a call from our babysitter that she had a family emergency and needed to go home and help. I totally bought it and we headed home. Jon acted so irritated that we had to cut the night short. He did such a good job at fooling me. I told him not to worry and that we would figure something out. I called my mom but she wasn't home, so then I tried my dad on his cell phone. He told me he was out in the barn but to bring the kids over and he would watch them. So that was the plan to take the kids to my dad and we would still be able to go to the movie.

Well you can see how surprised I was to walk in and find all my family and friends at our house. This is not the greatest picture of me but I laugh every time I look at it. I really had NO idea Jon had planned a surprise part for me.

It was the nicest thing he has ever done for me. I can not believe he went to that much work to surprise me. He was so happy to see me so surprised!!! My sweet sister in laws made me a book. They had everyone write things about me and put it in a little binder for me to keep. It was so sweet of them and everyone else to take the time to right down their thoughts of me.

I love my hubby so much. He makes my life so wonderful and shows me so much love. I don't know what I would do with out him!!! Thanks Jon for the best 30th Birthday ever!!!! My dad was so funny on the phone. He did such a good job making me believe he was home in the barn. Thanks mom for making the cakes!!!
Jon's family did so much to help him. Thanks guys for helping me celebrate my 30th Birthday!!!!

It was so fun to have so many people come. I have the best friends and family in the world!!!!

I WILL MISS MY SWEET GRANDPA!

2009-02-01T23:51:00.000-08:00

My amazing Grandpa Max passed away on Friday. He has suffered with Alzheimer's for the past two years and had a stroke on the Wed. before he died. We were all able to be with him before he passed and say our good byes. I don't think you are ever quite ready to let someone you love so much and who has always been there go. But he is in a better place and is happy and whole again. It was such a spiritual experience for me to be there when he was passing. It made me reflect on life and what it is really all about, and that is FAMILY. Life passes us by so quickly and I want to make the very best of it. My mom and her siblings told of what a great Dad he was and all the fun memories they have with him. I want my kids to have wonderful memories that they can hold on to.

I have so many wonderful memories with my Grandparents and I am so grateful that we have always been close. It has been amazing to see my Grandma, my mom, my aunt and my uncle all take care of him for the past couple of years. It is because of my sweet Grandma he has been able to stay in is home and pass there as well. What a great example of patience and enduring love she is to me. My Grandpa adored her and I know he is so grateful for all she did for him the last years of his life.

We had such a wonderful last Christmas with him. Me, Jon and the boys went to see them on Christmas day. We all stayed in our Pj's and hung out. It was so special to spend that time with him. He was so alive at our family Christmas party this year. He loves to dance so we turned on the music and he danced one last dance with each of his grand daughters. What wonderful memories we have that we will cherish for the rest of our lives.

The funeral today was so nice my mom, aunt Cindy, and uncle Mark all did such a wonderful job. It really was the perfect funeral. We will miss him but I am so grateful of the knowledge I have that I will see him again some day!

HAPPY TEN YEARS TO MY HUBBY!

2009-01-02T00:07:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to post a little love note to my sweet husband. Thanks for the best TEN YEARS of my life........

Well can you believe it, we have been married for ten years! It feels like only yesterday I opened my front door for our first date, and yet I cannot remember life without you. I just wanted to let you know how much I love, admire, respect, and adore you. You are such an amazing man, husband and father. I look back on my life and how you became a part of it and I know without a doubt the Lord had his hand in it. I fell in love with you on our first date sitting on your couch watching the wedding singer. Something inside told me I was in the right place. Ever since then my life has felt secure and in place. We have faced some hard times and through it all we are still here and more in love than ever. You have helped me through some of my darkest hours and have always been my guiding light. Because of you I have two sweet amazing boys and the joy that comes from being a mother. I cannot imagine my life without you and the boys. Everything I do is for you and our family and I know you feel the same way. Every day you serve us with your patience, love, understanding, compassion, and hard work. I am so proud of you and all that you have accomplished in the last ten years. You are where you are today because of your hard work and dedication. You work so hard to provide for our family and for that I am truly grateful. You are not only the provider but the patriarch as well. You bring the spirit into our home and make me want to be and do better. You teach the boys about the gospel and how to be leaders! I know they will grow up to be great men someday because of the example you are to them. You also bring fun and laughter into our home and show your love to the boys by playing with them. I am so grateful for all the times you keep Cade and Jake busy so I can get away or get things done. You take care of us in every aspect of life. Words cannot express my love and gratitude for what you have done for me. You have made all of my dreams come true and keep me believing in the ones yet to come. Thank you Jon for everything. You are truly my very best friend and I am grateful every day God led me to you!

Happy Ten Years Sweaty!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!

2008-12-13T22:04:00.001-08:00

Can I just say I LOVE this time of year! I remember the year Cade was born and I was so excited to hang a third stocking on the mantle. Now I hang four and can I just say I am so grateful for those little names that hang beside mom and dad. Having kids has made Christmas even that more meaningful to me. I love that we get to play Santa and see their eyes light up when they see what Santa brought. This year is going to be the best year ever!! This is going to be one of our poorest Christmas' because of all the money we spent on fertility and Jon's job change. BUT can I just say it is going to be a special one. Don't worry the kids are still going to be spoiled but it has been nice to forget about what I want and focus on what really matters. There is a special spirit in our home this year as we are trying to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. I am starting the 12 days of Christmas tomorrow for our boys and I am so excited about it. As my kids get older I feel this desire to share with them what Christmas is really all about. I want them to gain a testimony of Christ, his birth and the wonderful gift he is to us. It is fun to make traditions and this is one I am super excited about. I think it will bring more meaning to Christmas and help us to have more family time. Christmas as a child was always so wonderful and I want my children to have those same warm feelings as they remember their Christmas'.

THANKS ISR!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well this week is the start of a new adventure......Jon started his new job at Surgical Principles. After a grueling interview process Jon is the man! This is an industry Jon has wanted to get into for a long time. He has enjoyed his job at ISR so much that it was a tough decision to make. But we both felt he needed to take this opportunity if he was given the job. My cousins husband Casey is the one who refereed Jon. He thought Jon would be a good candidate since they were looking for someone WITHOUT medical sales experience. Which is rare. Jon felt he had nothing to loose so he applied for the position. To be honest we did not think he was going to get the job. I believe all things happen for a reason and we feel that this is a huge blessing for us in our lives at this time. It just goes to show you never know what can happen. I really believe that Lord was directing us to where we need to be. It has been sad to say good by to so many wonderful friends at ISR but we know those friendships will continue. (Thanks to blogging for making that possible!) ISR has been nothing but supportive of Jon's decision. I am amazed at how wonderful they have been to both of us during the past almost five years. We have enjoyed wonderful vacations to Mexico, Easter egg hunts, Christmas parties, dinner out, and lots of other get togethers. I think it is rare to find a company that #1 has so many great employees and #2 all get along so well. ISR has always focused on not only the employee but their families too. That has meant a lot to us and I don't think we will find that anywhere else. But life is all about change and this is a HUGE change for us. Jon is in Park City all week for training which means I am all alone with the kids. FOR A WEEK! I know it is not that long but it already feels like it has been a week. I am excited for what this new adventure will bring!!!

OUR ADOPTION PROFILE

2008-09-09T21:31:00.001-07:00

Well I have been working hard to get our adoption stuff done. We are close to being approved which means we will be in the waiting process. We are really excited about adopting again but also know it is not going to be easy. It is not very common for a Birth Mother to place with a family with two or more children. But we are being optimistic and hoping for the best. It is a long hard process but worth it. It took me hours to do our collage....I am a little OCD when it comes to this kind of thing. It looks simple but I tried lots of different lay outs until I found one I loved. So here is the finally draft. I wanted it to be clean and crisp not too much cute stuff. I think it looks a little better cause you can focus on the pictures more. I wanted lots of up close pictures showing us doing the things we love to do. What do you think.....I need feed back?

This is the family picture we decided on. This will be our first impression so I hope it's a good one. I like that it is up close and you can see our faces good. Thank goodness the boys were smiling. I think they look so cute. I have to tell my mother-in-law thanks for taking our pictures. She did such a great job. With a little bit of editing they turned out awesome. We still have a few more things to finish like our Letter, home study and interviews. But we are on our way and have most of the difficult stuff behind us. Adoption is just an amazing process and I find myself feeling so good about this option. I was so sure we would not adopt again, at least not right now. But I can't help but feel there is a reason for all of this. Who knows the Lord works in mysterious ways!!!!!!

10 YEARS AGO TODAY!

2008-08-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

So it was ten years ago today that me and my sweet hubby were set up on a blind by my BFF Jayme. She was truly inspired to set us up! Jon took me to a Buzz game for our first date and then back to his house to watch the Wedding Singer. (what a great movie!) He didn't waist any time and held my hand that night. He left the next day to Flaming Gorge. I thought about him every second he was gone and wondered if he would call me when he got home. Me and Jayme decided to go and find his house. We had to stop at the taco time there in Centerville to look up his address. That was fun wasn't it Jayme. We were so silly back then. Jon came home from his trip and we saw each other every day from then on. We dated for about a month and decided it was true love and that we should get married. What a fun time that was.

Now here we are and I am more in love than ever. For those of you who know Jon you know what an amazing person he is. He has made me who I am and has always been my best friend.

I love you so much Sweetie and I am so grateful Jayme was inspired to set us up. We were meant to find each other and spend Eternity together. Thanks for being the wonderful husband and father you are. And for always being right beside me through our Joys and sorrows. My love goes deeper than I could ever express with words!

I LOVE YOU!!!

CADE'S BIRTHDAY

2008-08-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today our sweet Cade turned FIVE! It was a fun day full of lots of excitement. He was up around 7:00 wanting to open presents. You would have thought it was Christmas. He got a new Optimus Prime Transformer bike. Jon stayed up late the night before putting it together. Cade was so excited about it. Later that day we took him to Classic Skating. Cade got so many fun gifts from all his friends. Cade is lucky to have such great friends! Later that day Cade's primary teachers the Porter's came over to wish him a Happy Birthday. They are so wonderful and Cade just loves them! We love Cade so much he has brought so much Joy and Happiness to our lives. We are so blessed to have such a sweet, handsome, loving boy for our son. Happy Birthday Cade!!!!!

BABY OAKLEY IS HERE!!!

2008-08-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

So today my little sister Mikelle had her baby girl. The name they chose is Oakley. Me my mom and Nikki were all able to be in the room when she was born. Me and Nikki were front and center while my mom stood to the side. Can I just say what an amazing thing birth is. It was such a spiritual experience and neat to share with my mom and sisters. Mikelle almost lost her life giving birth to her son Austin because of e-clampsia, but this time she had no complications. I am so proud of her she did so good!!! Thanks sis for letting me be a part of your little miracle!! This may be the closets I ever come to experiencing birth so I am grateful my sisters have shared their moments of child birth with me. I love them both so much. Don't worry Bro I love you too its just a girl thing!

Some of you may wonder, isn't it hard for me to watch that knowing it may never be me? The answerer is Yes it is kind of hard and sometimes I wish I could know what it is like to give birth. But My sadness has nothing to do with how happy I am for my sister. I have two little miracles tucked into bed peacefully sleeping. And after today I realized it is not so bad having them placed in your arms two days later all clean and beautiful feeling like a million bucks. Yes I wish I could have seen our boys be born but I get to watch them grow! I am so happy for my sister and her husband Cory. Congrats on your new baby girl I might have to steal her every now and then! Maybe even just a smell here and there. Love you guys, she is beautiful!

WHAT A BLESSING!

2008-08-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

So I don't know what I have done to deserve such great friends and so much love and support. This whole blogging thing has been such a blessing to me. Really we are not as wonderful as you all think we are!! But it is so nice to have so much encouragement. Thank you all so much for your sweet comments it means so much to me. The past 5 months have been some of my hardest times especially when our IVF did not work. I am so grateful to all of you and for the strength you have given me to get through this. Who knew this is what blogging would bring to my life other than a new obsession. I hope someday I can return the the favor if ever needed. Honestly it is so amazing to me to see how many people really care. Jon and I thank you so much!!!!

HOME FOR SALE!!!

2008-07-31T13:49:00.001-07:00

Well it is official our house is FOR SALE! Jon and I have made yet another HUGE decision and have put our home up for sale. Two years ago we built the home of our dreams. It isn't the biggest or the best out there but it is defiantly a nice home. We customized it to us and our needs and we absolutely love it.

So here is the reason why.......

Since our failed IVF we have felt so hopeless in our attempt to add another child to our family. We have looked at all of our options the few we do have and even if one felt right we have no money to pursue it. Over the past 7 years we have spent about $35,000.00 on trying to have a family. That is a lot of stinkin money. Not that you could even put a price on Cade and Jake . We would have spent what ever was needed to get our boys here. But our dilemma now is not wanting to go into dept any more than what it absolutely necessary. Jon and I have been so blessed to have been able to afford to adopt, do IVF and still have a beautiful home, trailer, descent cars etc. So now we are looking at another $13,000.00 to adopt and that's if we go through LDS and at least $20,000.00 for IVF. Again that is a lot of money and we have spent all we have in our savings and fear it will take us for ever to save enough for another child. And for us time is not a luxury.

So we are choosing a family over our beautiful home that we love so much. So really the decision was easy but not without sadness and tears. It doesn't seem fair to have to spend so much money on trying to have a family.......BUT it is worth every penny and then some. We also feel that it is a good time to down size since our family is still small and wont be growing any time soon.

To be honest for the first time since our IVF failed I feel HOPE again!!!!!! I feel that even though the decision to sell has been hard that we have some direction in what we should be doing right now. In the long run it will help us get into a better financial situation and ultimately give us the money we need to pursue our options for another child. I was at my grandmas house today and the kids wanted water with ice.....well she had to go to the freezer, get out the little ice trays and break out the ice instead of just pushing a button. It just made me think of how spoiled we are these days. We have way more now than my parents or grandparents ever imagined at our age. I never even had AC or swamp cooler until I was 18. We never went on fancy trips or lived in a huge home. But we had all we ever needed and we appreciated the things we had. I think we forget sometimes how blessed and lucky we are to have what we have. After all it is just a house and I would give it up in two seconds to have more children. I can take them with me, to the eternities!!!!! So if you know of anyone who is looking for a beautiful home send them our way!! Don't feel sad for us, like I said I feel hopeful of the future and what the Lord has in store for us!!! I feel more peace now than I have in a long time.

P.S. Don't forget to leave me your e-mail so I can invite you to view my blog....since I am going PRIVATE!

"THE TATTOO"

2008-07-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

Well I knew that this might get some attention because I am so not that type! So here is the scoop..... I was 18 in beauty school and felt the urge to do something CRAZY! A tattoo seemed like a good idea. I told no one except for my friend from beauty school. She is the one who took me to get it. About two minutes into it and a lot of pain I had a thought that maybe this was not a good idea. But I couldn't change my mind at that point. What was I to do have half of a flower....that would not be cool. I did regret it shortly after I realized wow this is here for the rest of my life. Then I thought it was cool and I loved it. Now I wonder why I didn't do something less permanent. It is of a Daisy on the small of my back. It is actually kinda cute!(for an 18 year old) Now I am a mom and it is not so cute. Cade and Jake have both discovered it and think that it is a sticker. They try to peel it off all the time and will soon realize it is not a "STICKER"! But for now that's my story and I'm sticking to it. At least till there old enough to really want to know. Then I don't know what I will tell them???? I pray they never want one!!!

GREAT TALK.....THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE

2008-06-30T14:43:00.001-07:00

So our good friend Dustin sent us this talk. He is in the YM with Jon and his wife Lauri and I worked in the primary together. Any way they are just great people and wonderful friends. Jon printed this out last night for me to read. I can't tell you the peace and comfort it gave me. I have been wondering why we have to endure such difficult trials and if our desires are good why doesn't the Lord bless us. This answered all of my questions and let me know once again how much the Lord loves us and wants to be here for us. We just need to trust him and have faith especially when life is hard. Thanks Dustin for sending me a tender mercy. It came at the perfect time!

Dennis E. Simmons, “But If Not …,” Ensign, May 2004, 73
Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them.

As a young man, I returned home from an eighth-grade basketball tournament dejected, disappointed, and confused. I blurted out to my mother, “I don’t know why we lost—I had faith we’d win!”
I now realize that I did not then know what faith is.
Faith is not bravado, not just a wish, not just a hope. True faith is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that leads a person to follow Him.
Centuries ago, Daniel and his young associates were suddenly thrust from security into the world—a world foreign and intimidating. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?”
The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” That is a statement of true faith.
They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.
Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego knew they could always rely on Him because they knew His plan, and they knew that He does not change. They knew, as we know, that mortality is not an accident of nature. It is a brief segment of the great plan of our loving Father in Heaven to make it possible for us, His sons and daughters, to achieve the same blessings He enjoys, if we are willing.
They knew, as we know, that in our premortal life, we were instructed by Him as to the purpose of mortality: “We will make an earth whereon these may dwell; And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”
So there we have it—it’s a test. The world is a testing place for mortal men and women. When we understand that it’s all a test, administered by our Heavenly Father, who wants us to trust in Him and to allow Him to help us, we can then see everything more clearly.
His work and His glory, He told us, is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” He has already achieved godhood. Now His only objective is to help us—to enable us to return to Him and be like Him and live His kind of life eternally.
Knowing all this, it was not difficult for those three young Hebrews to make their decision. They would follow God; they would exercise faith in Him. He would deliver them, but if not—and we know the rest of the story.
The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings.
The Apostle Paul learned this significant lesson and declared, after decades of dedicated missionary work, “We glory in tribulations … knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed.”
He was assured by the Savior, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Paul responded: “Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. … I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” When Paul met his challenges the Lord’s way, his faith increased.
“By faith Abraham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac.” Abraham, because of his great faith, was promised posterity greater in number than the stars in the heavens, and that that posterity would come through Isaac. But Abraham immediately complied with the Lord’s command. God would keep His promise, but if not in the manner Abraham expected, he still trusted Him completely.
Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them.
“By faith Moses … refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter;
“Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season;
“Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt. …
“By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king. …
“By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land. …
“By faith the walls of Jericho fell down.”
Others “through faith subdued kingdoms, … obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,
“Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight.”
But in the midst of all those glorious outcomes hoped for and expected by the participants, there were always the but if nots:
“And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, … bonds and imprisonment:
“They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about … being destitute, afflicted, tormented; …
“God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect.”
Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true.
He has the power, but it’s our test.
What does the Lord expect of us with respect to our challenges? He expects us to do all we can do. He does the rest. Nephi said, “For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”
We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.
Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Is that GREAT or what!!!!

I WILL MISS PRIMARY!

2008-06-24T14:43:00.001-07:00

Well I was released from my calling on Sunday and I just wanted to do a little post about it for my sake. I have been the Primary Sec. for a year and a half now and I have loved it! I love the women I have been able to work with and all of the children I have been able to get to know. Most of all I have loved watching Cade in the primary and seeing him learn about the Gospel. He is such a good kid and loves to go to church. There is nothing better as a parent than to see your child's testimony grow. Jake loves the nursery and cried last week when we had to leave after Sacrament. Getting two crazy boys ready every morning all by my self while Jon is at meetings is not always easy. Not to mention all the things I need to have prepared. So this will be a nice break. I will be teaching the 12 year old Sunday School which I am so excited about. I am even more excited that I get to go to Relief Society. It has been a long time since I have been able to sit and listen to a lesson.

Any way I just wanted to let Laurie and Missy know that I am going to miss them. I have learned so much from each of them and feel blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know them better. Thanks for being such great examples to me I love you both!!!

SISTERHOOD OF SUPPORT "SOS"

2008-06-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

Since I have been blogging our IVF process I have received so much feed back from tons of people who are going through their own struggles with infertility and adoption. So here is my great idea.....I have created a blog just for us! Or anyone else who feels they want to be a part of it. It is kind of a cheesy name but it is all I could come up with. Jon gave me the SOS idea and I thought it was kind of cute! What I need from you is your email address so I can invite you to be a part of this fabulous idea of mine. We will all be able to create our own posts to share with others. It can be a story, question that you want answered, or just somewhere to vent. Most of all it will be a "sisterhood" somewhere that we can make connections and make life-long friends. I have made some amazing friendships through our infertility process. They are all amazing women with different stories to tell. I love them all so much and don't know what I would do without them. I have posted a picture of some of them...sorry for those who are not in it. We can all do so much to help and uplift one another. For so many years I felt so alone and wondered if there was anyone out there who shared in our same sorrow. Since I have been able to help teach adoption education courses and opened myself up to share our experience I have met so many people in our same situation. My dear friend Addie and I were in the same adoption class and have stayed close friends through the years. We both have two adorable boys, each 6 months apart from each other. What a blessing it has been to have her by my side to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I cherish all of these women and their friendship. My hope for this blog is that you too can find that same support and friendship. Feel free to post pictures and anything else you would like to help us to know you better. So send me your email and lets make some connections.

Click here to visit S.O.S

JUST ONE MORE THING!

2008-06-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

So I am finding each day brings new challenges as we try to move on. I have found that I have to completely change my thought process and every thing seems to remind me of what might have been. But I do have to say that having two kids makes this a lot easier! Life has to move on with two boys who need you and want you to be upbeat and fun. I know that time heals everything.

I also wanted to add just a few words for those who are thinking about IVF and have been watching our blog. Jon and I have no regrets. IVF has worked for so many people. And even though it didn't work for us it was an amazing process. There was nothing easy about it but I would do it again if that is what felt right. So don't give up just because it didn't work for us and just know that if you try and it doesn't work I am living proof you will survive!!!!

When you find yourself in situations like ours it is hard to understand why. I learned a long time ago not to ask why because for now there is not an answerer. But I do know I am a stronger person because of this trial. It is not easy for people like us who struggle with infertility. We quietly watch the world move on as we deal with the pain of not being able to have a family. We watch others around us have children and share in there joy while our heart aches. I remember feeling that it was not fare that others around me were being blessed with a family and here I was with still no children. It is a difficult time but you have to find a way to get through it and separate your sadness from other peoples joy. This was a huge accomplishment for me when I could finally be happy for others while still sad for us. I have lots of people in my life expecting babies and I could not be happier for them. But this was not always so easy for me. We have been married for almost ten years and we have spent nine of them working on our family. It has been hard but worth every tear and heart ache. Sitting waiting for a miracle to happen is not the way it works although it would be nice. You have to be willing to do what ever it takes if you truly want a family. It has not been easy putting ourselves in such vulnerable situations but it is what has brought us great blessings. We love our boys birth parents and there families and have embraced the wonderful experience of adoption. We did not know our ability to love was so huge. And even though we have moved on we think of our sweet Birth Mothers often and talk to our boys about them. I look at my boys and know without a doubt they were meant to be ours! All I ever wanted was to be a mom just like my mom. I thought it would be so easy. Getting them here has not been easy and raising them deffinetly is not easy! But I have such a love and apreciation for the opportunity I have to be a mother and raise my boys. There is nothing I would rather be doing in my life than chacing after Cade and Jake! They bring Jon and I so much Joy and we thank the Lord every day for the blessings they are to us.

So to all my infertil sisters out there don't give up! If you truly want a family do what ever it takes to have one. No matter how they get here they will bring you more joy than you ever thought possible!!!!!!!!

ARE WE LOVED OR WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

Flowers and goodies from all of our neighbors and friends. We love you all so much!

Just received these flowers from my BFF Jayme and her mom Ellen. Thank you so much I love you both!

Can I just say Jon and I feel like the most loved people on earth right now! A guy came to the door yesterday with a bouquet of flowers from my aunt and all my cousins. I had already been crying and when I answered the door I just started to cry even harder. The poor kid didn't know what to say but told me to have a good day. I thought there it not one good thing about today! But look at all this good from all of our friends and family. I can't believe how many comments, e-mails, and phone calls we have received. It has been overwhelming to feel the love and concern you all have for us. I think some times we hesitate to be open about things we might be going through. It is hard to show weakness but I am so glad that I decided to let you all into our lives and see us how we really are. Life is full of trials for all of us and if we could just realize how much we can do for one another if we will just open up. I really and truly can not tell you how much it has helped to have your love and prayers. If I hadn't opened up I would be sitting here in my misery wondering........doesn't any one care? But instead I feel this outpouring of love and sympathy from so many people. Even some old high school friends who found my blog. 11 years ago all I could think about is graduating and moving on with life. Never did I imagine I would face such difficult trials. But you grow up and realize that life is more than just about you and you make sacrifices. Jon and I will do what it takes to bring another baby into our family. We don't know what this all means for us yet but we will figure out the reason for our failed IVF. We are just going to take some time away from baby and focus on the two miracles we already have.

I thought the tears would stop but some how they just keep on flowing. I had high hopes I would get up and put some make-up on but its raining and I can't stop crying so what the point. We will move on but for right now I think I need a little time to like my friend Missy said "let my heart ache". Jon and I are so sad but feel the love of our Savior and realize all of his suffering. This life was not meant to be easy. I want to share a quote that my cousin Summer put on her blog after loosing a twin at 8 weeks Preg.

“Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”

I read this over and over because it hits home with me. I know that we will be stronger because of this. Last night Jon and I were looking at the picture of our embryos and talking about how much hope we had that they would take. I mentioned how sad it was that they never took and he said "yes but they made us stronger"! I will hold on to that knowledge for the rest of my life. And take with me what they have given me..... a new understanding of how much my Heavenly Father Loves me.

Thanks again for all your love, we couldn't get through this with out all of you!!!! This will be my last post about our IVF. We have come so far from our first post. I want to start moving on and blog about my sweet family. Enough about me I want to focus on others for a while! My boys are so much fun right now and are doing lots of great things. So no more sad and depressing posts I promise. Love You all so much!

OUR WORST FEAR!

2008-06-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well our worst fear was confirmed today. The Dr. office called to confirm the pregnancy did not work. I am finally calm enough to sit and let you all know. I am surprisingly doing okay. I still feel so much peace and know that the Lord is aware of what we are going through. It is hard to understand sometimes why things don't go the way we want or hope they would.....but I struggled for years to know what my purpose was and if I could not have children why was I here. I knew what my purpose was the second I held sweet little Cade and then again when we got our Jakie. I was meant to be here for them and I finally knew what my purpose was. Don't get me wrong this is so devastating for us but I have learned not to doubt the Lords plan for me. The road to have a family has not been easy for us but it has brought amazing blessings into our lives. All the hope and peace we have felt is real and I know that if we stay strong the Lord will bless us with more children. Thanks to all of you for your love, prayers and everything else you have done to help us believe. I still believe and refuse to give up! I love you all and I am grateful for each one of you and the blessing you are in our lives. To my sweet mom and dad who are gone I love you more than words can say. I am okay because you have taught not to ever give up and to always have hope and faith in the Lord and my savior. For that I am so grateful. You are always telling me how strong I am and it is because of the two of you! And to Carla and Merrill thanks for raising such a good man with so much faith, love, and compasion. I couldn't ask for a better husband. Thanks also for your love and prayers and helping us through this. At times like this we have to remember our blessings and just like Jon's blessing last night said "never give up hope". Sorry for such sad news......but thank you again for all you have done.

Lots of Love,

Jon and Kim

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW

2008-06-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow is the big day. The last two weeks feel like two years to me. I have mixed feelings tonight about what we might hear tomorrow. I have been bleeding a lot today and I feel that I might being loosing one or both babies. Of coarse it is hard to know what this all means because it could be anything. IVF is so hard on your body and I think my body has had enough. Jon gave me a wonderful blessing tonight. In it he told me not to give up hope and that I could feel peace. So as hard as it is I am going to hope my heart out until the end. The wonderful thing is....is that I do feel peace even through all my fears of the worst and doubts that it is going to work. I still feel there is a chance and I am trying to have faith. But I know that some how some way if the answer we get tomorrow is not good that I will get through it. I am just ready to know one way or the other and move on with my life. My boys need there mom back. As much as I would love another child I am so grateful for the two I have. I have come to realize more than ever before how truly blessed I am to be the mom of Cade and Jake. I have also realized that it is not the pregnancy I long for but the baby. If this doesn't work it is not the loss of what it would be like to be pregnant but the loss of what it would mean to have another child. In a lot of ways pregnancy is not that appealing to me! Don't get me wrong I think it is a beautiful and miraculous thing but also very hard. I would love the opportunity to carry our child but more than anything I just want a family. I pray with all my heart the Lord will bless us. I am sorry I have dragged all of you through this roller coaster but.....Honestly.........I couldn't have done it without you. You have lifted me up and given me the courage to get through this. And my sweet sweet hubby who has showed me so much love and compassion and has never let me think for one second it wouldn't work. I love him more now than ever and I am grateful to have him by my side. My poor mom and dad are in Hawaii. Which is great for them.... but I know they are dying to know the out come and praying there guts out it works. Both of our families have been amazing. I don't mean to sound like it is over because it's not I just wanted to let you all in on what has been going on so you can continue to pray for us. I need your prayers! It is hard to feel so vulnerable and helpless but I trust in the Lord and his plan for us. Our appointment is at 10:00 but they won't call us until later with the results. We will let you know as soon as we find out. I love you all and thank you again for all you have done for me!!! I am holding on to all the hope and faith I have left and still feel there is a good chance it will all be okay. I also want to tell my sweet friend and her husband who just went through this process and found out her embryos were no good and has also been hyperstimulted which is a condition caused by all the meds. It is not very common but it does happen to about 1% of women who do IVF. We are thinking and praying for you.

Thanks again to all of you for your support...we will talk to you soon.

Love Kim

JUST WANTED TO FILL YOU ALL IN

2008-06-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well it is still a roller coaster ride. I started spotting yesterday morning and completely freaked out. I also had some cramping. Today a little more of the same thing. So I finally called the doctor and the nurse told me this is completely normal. So for all of you who are doing this (Lynette) and those who are thinking about it. Remember this is normal. Most women who do IVF will spot during this time. The nurse said it could even be a really good thing cause it could mean implantation is happening. I thought it was early to be starting but you just freak out about every thing at this point. The nurse also said that you most likely won't have a period until you stop the progesterone. Unless of coarse you are pregnant you won't start for about 12 more months. That's what we are shooting for. One more week to go.....we can do this! Just thought you would all like to know. If not sorry for all the info!

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

2008-05-31T14:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone what a cute post Jon did of our embryos. He was so excited about all the comments we got. I think now he knows why I am a little addicted to this. Well I am feeling better than I have in three weeks. I feel completely recovered from all the procedures I have had done. The egg retrieval was the worst and left me feeling really crappy for about a week. But now it is all over with and other than the progesterone injections I am done! Now the waiting game.....it hasn't been too bad cause the boys keep me busy.....but I am sure the closer it gets the harder it will be. Technically I am three weeks pregnant right now since the embryos grew for 6 days out side of me. But unless you do IVF you don't know fertilization has even happened. So now all that has to happen is implantation. This is where the embryo finds a nice little home in your uterine lining and starts to multiply. It is about the size of a poppy seed.....is that amazing or what! We feel very hopeful and we are staying positive. This is our one shot. By growing to day 5 we lost the rest of the embryos and don't have any to freeze. We knew this was a possibility but wanted to give us the best possible chance. We were a little disappointed but knew we had made the right decision. But I just want to take a minute and thank everyone for the phone calls, e-mails, prayers, comments on the blog, for putting our name in the temple, fasting, all those who gave me the wonderful blessing, and all the sweet gifts to help me get through this time, and most of all helping with my sweet boys. It has been hard on them and it has brought much comfort knowing they have been loved and taken care of. What a roller coaster ride! But really I couldn't have done it without you. And to my sweet hubby who has been right by my side in all of this.....he is truly the best husband I could ask for and shows me so much love and sympathy for what I have had to endure. I could go on and on about how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that he does for me. Thanks hun I love you soooooooooooooo much!

Ginger bought the boys a whole bunch of stuff to keep them busy. Their favorite thing has been the slip and slide. It is nice to just go out and be able to sit and watch them and not have to entertain them. Thanks Ginger it was so nice of you! Cade's cousin and BFF Sidnee came over to join in the fun. They are little buddies.

My sweet neighbor who has also gone through IVF and had the cutest boy and girl twins brought me a bag of her favorite things. I thought it was so sweet of her to think of me. She is now pregnant again with another little girl without any fertility!

Then my little sis and Carla brought me flowers. They are starting to die now but I wanted to take a picture and thank them any way. They were beautiful and every time I looked at them I felt hope and peace.

So I just want to say thank you I couldn't have done it without all your help and well wishes. So now all we can do is pray for a miracle....we will let you know the news in a couple of weeks.

The Embryos!!!

2008-05-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'm substituting for Kim today because she's a little loopy right now and may be too detailed in her description of the implant process. I don't want her to wake up tomorrow not knowing what she typed in her blog. Anyway it all went good and here's a picture of the Embryo's that were implanted today. The left one is little more advanced, but the Doctor said both looked very good. Now it's a waiting game for two weeks until we go back and get the Confirmation that KIM'S PREGNANT!!!

This is my first and last blog post; it's been nice chatting with everybody. Later!
Jon

DAY 6 TRANSFER

2008-05-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

What a roller coaster ride this whole process has been. The Dr. Called this morning and said that all the embryos are still alive and....he said there were still 13 so I must have misunderstood him the first time thinking he said 11. Anyway that means all that were fertilized are still alive....which is amazing! There are three that have separated themselves from the rest and look the strongest. By going to day 6 they will be able to determine which two out of those three are the very best to transfer. We were all ready to go this morning and we were surprised by what they said.....but we feel that we need to trust there opinion....after all they are the experts. So tomorrow at 12:30 FOR SURE we will do the transfer. Sorry to drang you through this whole process but pretty exciting stuff goin on!

DAY 5 TRANSFER!

2008-05-25T14:06:00.001-07:00

Well we got the phone call this morning that 11 embryos are still growing. So we have decided to grow them to day 5. This is really exciting news and we are so happy. Four out of the 11 look a little stronger than the rest so hopefully at least those four will make it to day 5 so we will have some to freeze. But all we really need is two. I just can't believe how well everything is going. We have definitely seen the Lords hand in all of this. From the timing to being able to go to day 5. This will give us a 70% chance of conceiving. Considering a normal couple only has a 15% chance each month to get pregnant we feel pretty good with our 70%. So now we just need to pray that they will continue to grow and that it will work!

EVEN MORE GOOD NEWS!

2008-05-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

We just found out that 13 out of the 18 eggs successfully fertilized. Yippee! As of now we have 13 little embryos growing. We are so excited and are looking forward to the transfer either on Sun. or Tues. If the embryos can make it to Tuesday our chances of conceiving go up to 70%.....they call this the blastocyst stage. This would be best case scenario but a day three transfer has great success rates as well. We feel good about either one. So something phenomenal has happened in the last two days....Jon's sperm has met my egg! CRAZY!!!!! This has never happened before. What an amazing process this has been. Thanks again for all your prayers!

GOOD NEWS!

2008-05-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

So today was the big day and we have some good news! When we got there Dr. Heiner told us that based on my last ultrasound from Tues. he should be able to retrieve around 9 eggs and that we could possibly find one more. Well to all of our surprise he found 9 more. Yep 18 eggs he found. What a miracle to have doubled my number in just a days time. We feel really good other than I am really sore. Can I just say I love being put out! I didn't want to wake up.....it was the most peaceful sleep I have had in a long time. Thanks mom for taking the boys over night and my sweet neighbor who brought us dinner. Heidi the soup was delicious and your desert is sinfully good. Carla also brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers tonight...it was so sweet of her to do that. Thanks Carla it meant a lot to me.

One sad thing about today is my sweet Cade had his preschool graduation and we missed it. But thanks to my mom and Carla we have pictures and video. He did such a good job and we are so proud of him. I will post some pics when we get them from Carla.

Just want to say thanks for all your prayers in our behalf we have felt them through this whole process. We had so many phone calls, e-mails and text messages this morning to wish us luck. We are so blessed to have such great support. Love you all!

Just one more thing......

2008-05-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

Well I should be in bed but here I am checking my blog. Could this be an addiction? I think I just really need an outlet and this is it for me. Jon thinks I am crazy but yet he is the first to ask "do we have any comments"? I just want to say thanks for the comments it was so uplifting to read. I want to share a scripture that I came across about a month ago when we just started this whole process. I don't want to sound cheesy but it meant so much to me at a time when I really needed to know if we were doing the right thing. I have been reading Doctor and Covenants and just happened to come across this scripture on a day I really needed some reassurance. It is D&C 11:10-14. Look it up if you want. It brought me so much peace.
Crazy to think our little embryos start growing tomorrow. What usually happens inside the body when you get pregnant is happening for me just out side my body in a petree dish an hour away from where I will be. CRAZY! I am so amazed that it is even possible.

Don't get too excited!

2008-05-21T14:04:00.001-07:00

Well I had to take a pregnancy test today and it was my very first positive pregnancy test I have ever had.....and I have taken a LOT! But don't get too excited it is just to make sure they gave me enough of the HCG hormone. So this is a good thing but it does not mean I am pregnant. Still it was an exciting thing to see that second line show up. Do you know how many times I have sat a starred at that stupid test praying my guts out it would be positive. So kinda funny just thought I would share this info with ya all. I think my ovaries are over taking my body. I can barley walk today....maybe that means I will have lots of good eggs. My sister showed up out of the blue this morning and took my kids for me...how nice is that. I won't get all mushy and tell her how much I love her and how nice it was that she did that for me....cause people might start thinking we are weired with how often we express our love for each other! But thanks sis it has been so nice to rest. Any way I will let you know how the egg retrieval goes. Thanks for all the phone calls and comments it is so uplifting!

Yep another Dr. apt.

2008-05-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have gone to the clinic six days in a row now and I am excited to have a break. It looks like they are going to do the egg retrieval on Thurs. Which means I get tomorrow off. YIPPEE!!!! I was a little disappointed when I went in this morning and had my ultrasound. My uterine lining was still a little thin. They like it to be at least 6.5 and mine was 6.4. The Dr. seemed surprised and a little concerned so it upset me. I held it together until I left and then cried the whole way home. My friend Lynette who has also adopted two boys is doing IVF the week after us at the same clinic. (not planned just a coincidence) Any way she was in the waiting room when I walked out and we just gave each other a big hug and cried. It is so nice to have her to talk to and work things out. Unless you have gone through it it is hard to really comprehend how difficult it is emotionally. All we want is a family. We have devoted so much of our lives to bringing children into our home. Even though it has not been easy the Lord has blessed us to be in the right place at the right time. I feel that this is the right time for us to be doing IVF. I still feel peace and know that we have done our part and the rest is up to the Lord. Like Jon said in the blessing he gave me Miracles happen every day. Just so you know the uterine lining is what the egg adheres to so it is very important that it is nice and thick. I will probably just have to take it really easy after the embryo transfer and stay on bed rest for a couple of days. This whole experience has defiantly tested my faith. I just need to rely on the confirmation we had that this is the right thing. So I guess pray for my uterine lining that the darn thing can thicken up. And wish me luck!

I also just want to take a minute and tell my grandma how much I love her. She went out of her way to call tonight to wish us luck and let us know that we are in her prayers. I love my Grandma so much and hope that I can be just like her. She is so loving and is always taking care of everyone else. I have the sweetest memories of playing cards, singing songs, feeding the gold fish and catching grass hoppers with her. She has always been such a great example to me and has taught me the importance of being domestic and finding joy in it. She loves to bake and make things for other people and always has a cookie for the kids. My boys love her! She is such a wonderful person and I feel so blessed to have her as my Grandma. Thanks for all you do Grandma and for thinking of us. Your phone call meant so much to me. I love you!

Another Dr. Apt.

2008-05-19T10:18:00.001-07:00

Well we went to the Dr. again this morning and it looks like we will be doing the egg retrieval on Thurs. WOW I can not believe it is really here. The folicles are good size but he wants me to go one more day to see if my hormone levels will rise a little more. So tomarrow night I will do what they call the TRIGGER shot. It is HCG which is the pregnancy hormone. This will finalize the egg growth. EXACTLY 35 hrs. after that shot is when they will retrieve the eggs. This is kind of a painful process so they will put me completely under.....which I am grateful for! They will also collect a sample from Jon that day....fun for him! (poor guy) After the eggs are out they put them in a solution that imitates the solution they were in and put them in a dark warm place so they can adapt to there new enviorment. After a few hours they will fertilize them. We are doing what they call ICSI where they actually inject the sperm into the egg to ensure fertilization. It is all so amazing to me. Then they will let the eggs harvest in a dish until they become an embryo and are ready to be implanted into my uterus. This takes aprx. 3-5 days. So the egg is fertilized all it has to do is implant. Not too hard you would think but it can be a tricky thing. We feel very optimistic and have faith that it will work.
Jon, my dad, brother and brother-in-laws all gave me a blessing last night and it was such a neat experience. I wanted a blessing that my body could work properly and that it would accept the embryo. It brought me such peace and reassurance that we are doing the right thing. It also let me know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my situation. The spirit was so strong! I am so grateful for the priesthood and for the wonderful men in my life who are worthy and willing to give me a blessing. I love them all so much. We also had a family fast yesterday. I just want our families to know how much it meant to us that they would fast in our behalf. I don't know how we would get through this with out them. It makes me want to cry just thinking about all the love and support we have been given from our family and friends. All of you have made this bearable. Now we are here can you believe it. Jon and I were talking and I have been doing my shots now for 25 days. It is hard to believe we have made it this far. I am a stronger person than I thought I was and even though it has been so hard at the same time it has not been as hard as I thought. The Lord has defiantly blessed us with the help we have needed. After tomorrow night no more shots in my belly. I can't tell you how happy that makes me! Well I will let you know how the egg retrieval goes. Pray I have some good eggs!

I feel a lot better!

2008-05-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

Well we went to the temple last night and now I feel a lot better! It is amazing the peace that can come to you when you go to the temple. Thanks for all the sweet comments and for being there for me. You are all so wonderful. The Dr. office called last night and upped my meds. to give my ovaries a little kick. I have an apt. tomorrow to see how things are going. I will keep you posted.

Just need to vent a little!

2008-05-15T13:05:00.001-07:00

Well sorry to be such a cry baby in my last blog. I really am okay I just need to be honest every once in a while and tell how I REALLY feel. Life is just crazy right now. Jon is so so busy at work and it is not really showing in his numbers. I don't think I have ever seen him work so hard and be so frustrated with the results. Not very good timing as far as our IVF goes. He hasn't gone to any of my apt. with me because he has to spend every minute he can trying to build new business. He has so much pressure on him and I feel so bad and there is nothing I can do. I am not suppose to stress myself out......Yea Right! My kids have been so good but it has been hard to have me gone so much. I dropped Jake off at Nikki's and went to take Cade to pre-school so I could go to my Dr. apt. Well Cade wouldn't let me leave so I had to take him with me. The poor kid. I think he thought the Dr. apt was going to be fun instead I think he was traumatized. As the Dr. asked me to get undressed so they could do the Vag. Ultrasound he asks with a concerned look "Mom why are you taking your cloths off....what are they going to use that tool for"? I just made something up so he wouldn't worry. Then they had to draw more blood, but I reassured him it didn't hurt. I have been stuck in the same place three time this week but the nurse is awesome and I hardly feel it. Everyone there is just awesome and so positive.

I LOVE my family so much and I feel so bad I can't be there for them. Hopefully Jon's work will start picking up so we won't have that stress and by the end of next week we should be done with this going to the Dr. every other day. So now I feel better thanks for letting me vent. This really is GREAT therapy....and it doesn't cost $. Thanks for all your sweet comments they help so much. Oh by the way the Dr. apt went well. I have 18 follicles growing on the Right side and 12 on the Left. I guess this is good. There were only about 6 that were good size. But I am sure they will up my dose of meds to make them bigger. They will call me with my results later today. So if I look pregnant I am not my ovaries are just HUGE! Love you all and hope you have a good day!
P.S. I just have to thank a couple of more people for helping me...Jana you are the best, thanks for watching the boys while we go to the Temple tonight. And Laurie thank you for helping me with primary stuff.....you have taken such a load off and I am so grateful. Hopefully I can return the favors. Thanks guys!

A little pick me up!

2008-05-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

So Jon had sales training today at his corporate office. When he got home from work he gave me a package that the Pres. of the company and his wife had made for me. I was so surprised to see a basket full of things to help me get through the next week. I had a really hard day today so it was perfect timing. I really needed a little pick me up. I had just told Jon I wanted him to ship me away for the next three weeks and then I could come home when it was all over with. Not really but I would much rather be sitting on a beach some where. Any way it was just what I needed. Bret and Cristy if you read this I just want you to know how much it meant to me that you would think of something so sweet to help me through this time. The basket was full of things like bubble bath,(I love the transformer bubble bath for Jon), movies, band aids and blind fold for my shots, chocolate, and my favorite the box of nuts.....cause I feel a little nuts right now! They all had a funny note to go with them. It really was so sweet and made me smile!

I am not sure why I am having such a hard time I just feel like CRAP! I am sooooooo.... tired which is a side effect of the Lu pron and I am always slightly nauseous. I really do feel good about everything. I think it is the drugs or at least I am going to blame them. It is also hard being so consumed with all of this and having two kids who depend so much on me. I am so grateful for all the help my sisters have given me. And Jon he is the best husband. He has been so busy at work and then he has to come home and deal with me. Thanks everyone for all your help and mom thanks for listening to me vent. What would I do without all of you!

I had a Dr. apt last Thurs. and everything looked great. I started all the other drugs on Sat. and went in again yesterday for a blood draw. They lowered some of my meds but said it all looked good. Now I go in again tomorrow for a blood draw and ultrasound and again on Sat. and probably Mon. before the egg retrieval. Some time around Wed. is when they will do the egg retrieval but it all depends on when your body is ready. The clinic is out on 106 south so it is quite the trip. But thanks to my sisters it makes it a lot easier. It has not been easy but we have made it this far. We are doing our part so now all we can do is put our trust in the Lord. I know he will bless us. Today is just a reminder to me that through hard times the Lord gives us tender mercies.... whether its a feeling of peace or a basket full of silly stuff to make you smile. He knows each one of us and our needs. I know that if we have faith and trust him he will bless us. Sorry to get all gooey again..... IT'S THE DRUGS! But thanks again Bret and Cristy! And I will keep you all posted throughout the next week.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO MY SWEET MOMS!

2008-05-11T08:20:00.001-07:00

Well today is Mothers Day and I just wanted to take a minute and tell my mom how much I love her. I am so grateful for all the things she taught me. I know that she thinks there are things she should have done but to us she did everything right. It was by her example that certain things are important to me. Like: having a clean home, living on a budget, exercising, cooking for my family, not arguing in front of the kids, going to church each week, reading the scriptures, praying for my kids as I know she did us and still does, and most of all having FAITH no matter what! She is the strongest most loving woman I have ever known. She has ALWAYS been there for me.....like when I fell off my bike and skinned my knee, all the MANY nights I wet my bed and she had to change my sheets (that is true love), when I had my heart broken, planned my wedding, struggled to have children, waiting at the agency for my baby boy to be placed in my arms, when Jon got lost, Jake coming to our family and moving two weeks later, all the times I feel I have failed as a Mother and she reassures me I am doing a great job, and now as we are hoping to add another child into our family. She has always been my ROCK and I am grateful for her faith and her strength. My mom never waivers and always stays strong. I try so hard to be like her and just have Faith. I just want her to know how much I LOVE HER! Mom thanks for all you do for us and our kids. Not only are you the best Mother but you are the best Granny to our kids too. Happy Mothers Day Mom I love you sooooo...... Much!

Now for my sweet Mother-in-law. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to get such a wonderful Mother-in-law. When I met Jon I knew I was marring into a great family but I had now idea really how blessed I was. Carla does so much for our family. She is such an example to me of what it means to truly serve. She does so many fun things for us and our kids, from her Easter egg hunt to the Christmas Eve talent show. She is always thinking of ways to make things more fun, and she does it all for us. She is also such a hard worker and has defiantly done her time in the work field. We are all so happy she will be able to stay home soon. I admire how she has raised such successful sons and the sweetest daughter. Jon is the wonderful husband he is because of his Mother. My kids love there Grandma and all the fun things she does for them. She never misses anything and wants me tell her about things my kids are doing so she can be there to support them. She is also an example of strength to me and has always showed me so much love and support. From the very beginning she has always made me feel right at home. Thanks Carla for being the best Mother-in-law a gril could ask for and such a sweet Grandma to our kids. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I LOVE YOU!

DISNEY LAND

2008-05-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well we had a fabulous trip to California with our little family. It really is the happiest place on earth! I haven't been for about 12 years and Jon for about 15 so it was fun to see all the new stuff. The first night we walked around a little dazed and confused. It is overwhelming when you don't know where to go. As a parent all you want for your kids is to have the best time possible. Jon and I wanted this trip to be all about the kids and it was. We were exhausted by the time we had to go home. It was go go go all day long. Besides a few fits and one major melt down it was our funnest family Vacation ever. We didn't just wear ourselves out the kids were exhausted as well. Every night they were out like logs in a couple of minutes.

We couldn't have asked for better weather. It was around 70 the majority of the trip which was perfect. We had so much fun and it was so nice to get away and spend some time as a family. We can't wait to go back some day...it really was magical!!!!!!!

Now for a little update on our IVF

Other than when I had to do the shots I didn't think about our IVF at all which was a good break. I have officially put Jon in charge of my shots it is too much for me to have to get the guts up to actually stick my self with that needle every night. It was hard to put my trust in him I didn't know if he could do it without really hurting me. But it has been the best thing and he is doing a great job!. Thanks Hun for taking care of me. I stoped the BC and now I wait for a period. (sorry if this is too much info) I have an appointment on Thursday to see how my ovaries are doing and where my hormone levels are. They will also teach me how to mix all my meds and I will start on the FSH and HCG (which are hormones for those of you who don't know). So sorry to all those who have to deal with me I might be a little CRAZY! I can't believe it is really here. I am so scared and so excited at the same time. Say a little prayer for Jon!

IVF UPDATE.....OUCH!!!

2008-04-25T12:58:00.001-07:00

Well today is the day we have been dreading.....I start my shots today! I had my mom come over and show me how to do it. To my surprise it was not bad at all. I am feeling really good about things right now. I have been so emotional the last couple of days about the whole thing. But you know what you just have to have faith and know that things will turn out the way they are suppose to. So today has made me feel a lot better. You just grab some belly fat (good thing I have plenty of that) and stick the needle in fast and give yourself the shot. I Hardley even felt it. This is really good news! Thought I would give you a visual of what the needle looks like. Not so bad huh.

See all this worrying and wondering and all for nothing. I need to listen to my mom and Jon when they say "don't worry". The shot I am taking is Lupron not real sure what it does but there are not any side effects. The only thing that has bothered me is the Birth Control. You know how that is! I have gained a couple pounds which does not make me happy, especially when I am trying so hard with diet and exercise. But all well what do you do? So I will do this for 13 days and then we will start adding in other meds and the Progesterone injections. Lots of fun huh!

We are leaving for Disney Land tomorrow for six days and we are so excited. I feel like the IVF stuff has consumed my life....so I am excited to get away and focus on having some fun. The boys are dying and can hardly wait. Even little Jakie gets so excited even though he doesn't quite know what it is. Cade on the other hand has been counting down the days. The boys have been earning money for the past three months to take so they can buy some things. We broke open the piggy banks the other day and they each had $30. Not bad for a kid. Granny and Papa added $10 to that so now they each have $40 which is a ton of money to a little boy. Lets just hope it will buy more than one item.

Well thats about all ......

I just want to say thank you to everyone for your love and prayers, it means so much. Pray we have some good weather in California. I will have lots to blog when I get home. See Ya!

A package.......for ME?

2008-04-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

So on Friday morning I had a package delivered. Nothing gets me more excited than to see a package on my front door. I thought for sure it must be my cute cloths I bought for a great deal from children's place. But as soon as I looked at the label I knew what it was. I just put it up high so the boys couldn't get to it and then I left to go to Logan to do a Boutique with Nikki and Ginger. But tonight when I got home I decided I would open it. And this is what we found.

We now have our very own little Pharmacy....well I guess I do! I was a little overwhelmed when I pulled out all of the medicine and Needles. I just hope I can mix it all right and give myself the right dose. It is all just CRAZY and EXCITING at the same time. We even have our very own needle dispenser. Note all those needles. I really am just ready to get this thing started. It is so hard to be in this position but I am so grateful for the Reproductive Care Center and all they have done to help us prepare for this. Technology is amazing these days and I feel blessed to have the option of IVF. It is so nice to hear about all the people it is working for. Just pray for me that I can be BRAVE! I have been so sick from the Metphormin but you just have to keep busy and keep going. It will be worth it. Kiss your little ones a million times today they are such miracles!

I also want to tell Jon thanks for all you have done for me this week. He has been so wonderful and has taken care of me and the boys. Thanks for being patient Jon I love you!

Our IVF journey has officially started!

2008-04-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know Jon and I have made the HUGE decision to do IVF. This has been a long time in the making and we are finally ready to make the emotional investment. We can handle the money part, it is just the roller coaster ride we dread. Not that we are rich but it is easier to let go of money than it is the dream of another child. BUT we are putting ourselves out there and we are going to make the very best of it. That is why I am going to be "blogging" our IVF experience. For all those who are thinking about this option for themselves and for all the people who love and care about us. I know it is not always easy to ask questions. This way you will know the scoop. Most of you know we are very open about our situation so please don't ever hesitate to ask. You all know I am a talker. Jon and I are very hopeful and feel that thinking positive can help a lot. Still being young and not having severe fertility problems, we feel like our chances a very good. We will need lots of prayers!

We already have two MIRACLES in our lives and we wonder how could we possibly ask for more. The Lord has given us the sweetest two boys to share our lives with and we cherish every moment as a family knowing how precious it really is. We love you all and we are so grateful for all your love and support.

SO THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE DONE SO FAR...........
I have started my BC pills to get me on the right cycle and make me ovulate when they want me to. I have also started a drug called Metformin. That combined with the prenatals have made me really sick the last couple of days. I have found that gum helps a lot. Sorry Jon! (he hates gum) I will start the shots of Lu pron in my stomach on April 25th. We went to an IVF class today and learned how to give me the shots. I think I will be able to do it myself but if not Jon is now a pro. I feel a lot better after finding out you no longer have to do them three times a day just once. You can mix all the meds into one shot which was really good news for me. That doesn't include the progesterone shot with a big old needle in my back side. But that doesn't start for awhile so we won't think about that yet. So that is the start of our process. I will keep you all posted and again thank you for being so supportive.

Kim's 29th Birthday

2008-04-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

Can I just say I am so excited about this blogging thing. This will be my journal from now on and I can't wait to see what becomes of it! I believe the greatest gift you can leave your loved ones is a journal of your life. I have alway LOVED to journal and I cherish all of the memories I took the time to write on paper. What an amazing time we live in to be able to share with so many people our thoughts and feelings.

My Dad called and asked me to go to lunch on my Birthday but I was already going out with my in-laws.... so he took me today. We met at Apple Bee's and spent the next hour and a half talking. Long after the oriental salad was gone we were still talking. I absolutely adore my dad. We have always been close but when you get married and have kids you don't always find the one on one time with your dad. Especially as a daughter you kinda talk more to your mom when you become a mom. I have so many wonderful memories with my dad growing up and I am so grateful for that. I was kind of a tom boy and loved going hunting and fishing with my dad. He tought me how to live in the outdoors. I am defiantly a girly girl you all know that. But thanks to my Dad I can get down and dirty and I even know how to shoot a shot gun. Hard to imagine I know. A little cheesy to take the camera I know but I wanted to have a picture of this fun day I spent with my Dad. Thanks for a great lunch Dad I love you!

So yesterday was my Birthday and I am now 29! I have to say it was the best Birthday ever!!! Jon is always such a good gift giver and always makes my Birthday special. We all went to breakfast that morning at Mimi's cafe and it was sooo....yummy! We all got french toast and shared. Later that afternoon I went to lunch with all my sis-in-laws and Mother-in-law at Jason's deli. It was so much fun to share my day with my all of them. Cade got me a Yoga mat which I am so excited about. Now I won't have to lay on the germ infested floor at the gym. Jake got me a water bottle that I love. Now I am set for the Gym. Jon got me a labeler so now I can label my entire house. Since Jenn became a "Professional Organizer" I think we have all tried to be a bit more organized. I have learned so much from her. Especially after living at her house for four days. You should see her closets they are amazing! Now I can have my closets look like hers with everything in it's place. I am so excited. Jon also watched the kids after work so I could go and get a massage. It was the most relaxing hour of my day. He also did the dishes that night and cleaned the entire kitchen. What a great hubby. One last surprise was a Baskin Robins mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Jon even got Birthday hats. We ate so much we were sick. I can't even look at it today. But it was sure yummy. Thanks Jon and Boys my birthday was a wonderful day just for me. I LOVE YOU!